The working day

Today, I cried at work. I didn’t want to; oppose to what Susan advised.  And it felt good, letting the burden the sadness in me. Maybe afterall I need to learn how to contain myself.

Working in Asia turned to be a real culture shock. I couldn’t adapt to the sensitivity, the conservatism, the not open to criticism and opinion, the hierachy, the people. I was strange, I was weird, I was branded as a show-off. I can’t help it if I just came back from UK, I can’t help it if I am excited over the slightest things, I’m sorry if I am annoying but that’s me. I get excited over the slightest thing. I am excited over my highlighter rubber.

It’s me. I am straight, in your face and I don’t backstab.

I do admit I tend to talk a little loud, a little blunt, a little thick, I speak my mind but Asia is not my cup tea.

I cried, I’m suffering, I’m tired. I really want to call it quits.

I am not happy anymore.

John Mayer – Comfortable

I just remembered, that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down, aisle 5
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave.

Can’t remember, what went wrong last September
Though I’m sure that you’d remind me, if you had to

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in

I sleep with this new girl i’m still getting used to
my friends all approve, say she’s gonna be good for you
they throw me, high fives

She says the bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was, so dirty

Life of the party
and she swears that she’s artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she’s perfect, so flawless
or so they say, say

She thinks I can’t see the smile that she’s fakin’
and poses for pictures that aren’t being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she’s perfect, so flawless
I’m not impressed, I want you back.

For you;

Afterall..

..maybe i’m not meant for the corporate world. The gossips, the fake colleagues, the rivals, the politics and the race to the throne. I thought that was what I craved for, climbing the corporate ladder to the top of the hierarchy, but maybe after all the setbacks that I had overcome, I realised being at the top is not everything. It’s the happiness and joy inside you.

Seeing my only friend tendering her notice upsets me. I have a few others to count on but this cosmopoliton city is not my cup of tea.

I am so confused with myself all the time.

the adorning pain

I finally have the time to chill, relax, wash, sleep, watch tvb and do all that i was deprived off for few weeks today.

And I am emotionally disturbed. I am feeling like a rollercoaster. I am upset and I am tired. I wish I am immersing myself with work again because I don’t like the thoughts, I don’t like the imagination. and if I were to be a computer, I want to reformat. so that I can erase all the painful memories

I had to reread the message you sent me thrice. First, to make sure I didn’t read it wrong, second, to absorb it, third to digest the fact that you did or are indeed dating someone else.

You didn’t have to tell me. You didn’t have to let me know. I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW.

I was oblivious to all surroundings. I was happy to be left alone Neil.

Why tell me that you love me when you can do so many other things to hurt me. You want me to be happy but hearing from you makes me unhappy.

I am crying again Neil. You are not worth my tears, my sacrifices and even my love. Enough is enough.

My Sunday

I’ve quit reading, washing, running, cleaning and sleeping. All i’ve been doing is drinking and working.

I’m quite lost for directions. I don’t know if this is really what I really want to do. The long crazy hours. The weekends of partying and seven full days in the office. The brain wrecking, the stress, the fake colleagues.

And I am enduring with a path that I thought i’ve chosen to be happy. I am happy with life itself, but I don’t know if I’m happy with the job itself.

I drink my wine, I take my photos, I party with the girls, I meet new guys, I work 105 hours a week, I sleep 33 hours a week. And yet, something is missing.

If its self conflict I am facing, then it’s myself I am annoyed with.

im feeling emotional, pointless and agitated.

i am super geram. a day i wanted to talk to Neil, he is not around. I don’t like it. I cannot get him on the phone or anywhere else. it’s annoying me!!!!

two.thousand.nine to two.thousand.ten

It’s the time of the year to reflect on the two.thousan.nine before we step into a different decade.

Two thousand nine was an awefuckingsome  year to me. No regrets, no torments, nothing that I want to be changed. I am just happy with what life gave me.

The biggest decision that i made was moving back home for good and it didn’t come easy. Within the four years in UK, I grew emotionally not physically wtf and learnt a lot. From friendship, to work, to relationships, to housemates to manning myself and giving back to my parents. I turned from an adolescent to an adult. I grew from a money basking machine to giving it back to my parents and my sister.

I’ve lived it the way I wanted. I’ve spent time with people that mattered. I’ve travelled to places that was desired. I’ve built connections that I’ve lost. I’ve mend friendships that was foresaken. I’ve let go of things that I shouldn’t hold on to. I’ve forgiven and forgotten.

I lived well. I ate well.I shopped well and I had all the blinks and glitters that I ever needed.

Now, it’s the right time to build my career, to meet more people from different walks of life and yet not leaving my comfort friends zone.

Thank  you all for striving through the remarkable year with me and we have a long journey more to go.

Here’s a toast to the great 2009, and I am just excited anticipating 2010. Not hoping for a better year, but I just want what I deserve in 2010

A back dated post.

Four boxes, four years – a box for each year (quoted from David Teh), four different addresses, four more days to go..

Looking around me, empty drawers, skeletons of hangers, 55 pairs of shoes wrapped, I feel naked walking in a bare room. The common touch, swept clean, no dust, no smell, no more Hill Quays.

Never would I have thought this decision could come so much quicker and earlier than expected.

Four years of comfort and a place I address as home – will no longer be one for me anymore.

Wow, I am moving home for good.

Within these years in the UK I grew and learnt a lot. From friendship, to work, to relationships, to housemates to manning myself and giving back to my parents. I turned from an adolescent to an adult. I grew from a money basking machine to giving it back to my parents and my sister.

I lived well. I ate well. I shopped well and I had all the blinks and glitters that I ever needed.

It’s been a while..

Wow, 3 months passed in a glimpse! Never had I imagined how happy I will be in Malaysia even after being here nearly three months! I’ve seen quite a bit of the world, although never quite enough and now I’ll be starting work next week. A whole new relocation to yet another country again.

I am not quite ready to leave. Feeling the feeds of comfort from home. And yet I’m excited not knowing what to expect from my future.