It has been sixteen days since I last hugged, kissed and smelt you.
It has been ten days since I last spoke to you.
It was been eight days since I last text you.
And yes, I do miss you. Enough to write this for you.
Do you know I feel this way? Do you know I miss you? Do you know I want to wake up having you next to me? Do you know that I am hoping in a very unconventional way?
Do you know Neil that I am falling for subspace?
How would you ever know?
I am getting more and more demotivated.
I want to start giving up and go home.
I need the gist and zest to move on and get going.
how?
I had two interviews back to back and because I wanted to go home so badly, because in my mind all I wanted was to go home and likely because I had the job with ntl, I am not keen to do anything else. I am just not bothered.
I need to be myself again.
To soar high and fly.
It pains me so so much, to not know what I am supposed to feel exactly.
I want to be able to love again, to be happy wholly, to be that girl in everyone’s eyes. To believe, to hope, to wish, to succeed. I want it so so much I cannot get it.
This week, I kept getting glimpses of you in my head, I kept picturing me and you together, how we used to be, I wished you would text, you would care. But you don’t.
I’m tired.
‘You have an extremely beautiful smile ya know!’
That was how I was being greeted today at Barlow House. A simple praise lifted my day – the way to start a day and boosted my confidence for the interview.
That was not the first that I get, I remember a lot of people telling me that I have got an enchantingly amazing smile to date, with the sparkle in my eyes. Weird, but I thought I have lost that smile and sparkle.
=)
To us, remember the first time we sat next to each other? At the Chinese buffet whereby I forced those black ugly jelly down your throat and you practically ate everything I told you to, I even remember what you wore, somehow – that yellow jumper from Reiss that I like so so much.
I recall how I often stared at you back at College, whenever you left the room, and your significant bum which I absolutely adore. I don’t remember speaking much to you, in actual fact we didn’t. Nonetheless, I saw and caught you staring at me before. Sweet =)
You marked my life – you constantly reminded me on a daily basis on beautiful I am, you changed my perception – I will remember that short sweet six months we spent together.
Thank you.
I often regret, because I almost always never make the correct decision. From my dramatic relationship with Han to me being unappreciative of Neil. To failing my PAR twice and now to not even starting ICAS as an independent student.
Biggest regret? Not being able to go home too.
People often say, ‘Live your life to the fullest and never look back – no regrets‘ or ‘Live a life of no regrets‘ but I do.
I am not a pessimist, and I shouldn’t be a one, because I am was one of the most optimistic person in the world, and now perhaps all the daunting experiences exerted in me, causing me so much pain, I cannot possibly be myself.
I am tired and I need that very security, that assurance. Somebody to hold my hands tightly, secured yet giving me the warmth. I need somebody to give me a job I want.
Or even somebody to let Neil know how i feel and what i write here. Because I dare not tell him.
Today a guy asked me to go on dates with him. DATES with S, to get to know him and give myself a chance. Ha, NO. I said blatantly and I tried avoiding the topic the entire night.
I am just not ready. From Kuan Meng to Chen Soon back to Kuan Meng to Weng Learn, Han Sian and Neil. My last three was almost back to back. Goodness, I forgot how it is like to be single. And now that I am, I want to enjoy it. Make the most of it.
So that the next one that comes my way, I would know how to appreciate him, to love him unconditionally and to give him my very best, without thinking of my past and worrying about nothing.
Of course I want attention from men, when they shower us unceasingly with all their might, but whoring for attention is completely different when you are just satisfied with yourself.
I can’t even sort my life out, what more a relationship?
Chill out lar
Grant me please, for all the wishes I have been hoping, for all the prayers i have been chanting. I just want it back. I just want it all once again.
Guide me please, through this rocky journey.
Love me please, I cannot go on.
The night wasn’t that perfect, but you made it right. Just me and you, a little drunk but we were both happy. You were loving me, like how you always did. Like how you always found me attractive, like how you always reminded me that I was beautiful, like how you always kissed me on my forehead.
I remember.
I told you I wasn’t ready. That night I was. You were gentle and you talked me through it while gently but surely and assuring me, it was okay. You were not harsh, you were not forceful and in fact but anything you said, it’s okay if you are not.
I remember.
January 12th 2008.
But I don’t remember.
I feel helpless as I watch her cry. I’ve been through the exact rough patch and I want to help her through it, I just don’t know what else is best to say. Or do.
Seeing Hui Yee studying so hard for her Pharmaceutical exams made me miss studying for my ICAS so so much. If only I can turn back time and pass it the first time. Then, this would not have happened.
