A smile for the subsiding pain

Afterall, I think I am numb from all the worst things that have been happening to me for the past six months. A friend told me yesterday “God doesn’t put you through a path that you cannot go through!”

I think so too. Maybe this is just an overdue extremely long test of my life, a path in which after endeavouring, I’ll be just yet strong enough to proceed to be a better being, a stronger and resilient one. Months of endless tries, hopes and determination, and yet after two day of assurance, it’s now all back to square one.

If you ask me why am I not celebrating my birthday this year? – simple, there is nothing to celebrate for, no one in particular that I really want to celebrate with and everybody is busy. Assumingly. And if you ask me why am I telling people and reminding them? -simple, I am used to telling people of my birthday and I just want a party with my EY lot because I want to get pissed – but done. Everybody is too busy.

Ed being the amazing friend he is, invited me to go out with Zara and him, after my traumatic week and noddingly agreed instantly because I just want to have fun and that is if I can ever have fun. I am used to having big parties, or even celebration since as young as one, because each year, I will have beautifully painted pictures, reminding me of all my birthdays – and probably the most significant birthday was my 18th.

I remember on that day, I went back to Ipoh, a friend Marissa came back with me, mom and dad was there, ALL my closest friends were there, and Christine, VG, Ei Leng, Yvonne Hui & Yeen have been baking a cake for me for a week. Trying to bake a cake. And they made me an ice cream cake. I remember to date, how we had two groups of people coming to my house to gather since the SPM results, yakking away – how Kian Mei stood on the arm rest of my antique chair afraid of Ting. It was all so memorable.
I give up on Neil, I think I am numb;- he makes me feel forlorn and unwanted, and how I thought I liked him and good to know I don’t actually that much. Maybe it was just a fantasy as I didn’t miss him as much as I thought I would, and most importantly, I can now finally able to resist myself from men, my heart is made of cold cold stone, I cannot possibly feel anything anymore, not sadness or disappointment. Feelings that momentarily make you feel good is like Valium – and yet I need more than that. I need that simple assurance to know and be certain of my future. I need myself.

People come, people go, some stay. And I definitely saw the friends in me and I do have some really good ones. Maybe losing a job the second time around is a blessing in disguise. Maybe, I am allowed to cry and whine and be a 23 year old again.

Because I am only human.