My story

2008 saw a treacherous, windy, tiresome road for me – the fact that not only I lost my utmost prideful job, I was betrayed, fooled and also, ultimately I allowed someone I am delightfully fond of, slide away within my fingertips, for all the wrong doings that I have done to hurt him

Often I wondered, amazed and somehow yet impressed at my own ability and capability by looking back now, simultaneously patting myself at the back, being able to move on and start a new life after what I thought was almost impossible.

Exactly 7 months ago, I was just like you girls now, cringing and reeling in pain – crying profusely, defiantly denying the truth, refusing to accept the fact. I lost my swanky graduate job, betrayed by one whom I thought was a good friend and lied to foolishly by somebody I trusted. At that very point, I was painstakingly suicidal and all I saw was darkness.

I spent the first one month weeping, the next two months playing the blaming game – and I remember talking about their absolutely despicable behaviour daily, whining bout my stupidity, cursing, wondering, pin-pointing, and somehow, a day came when I realised I just stopped whimpering, stopped bitching, and that I knew, I have found myself again. (For that, I owe my gratitude to my mom, farmer and my dear friends for being there all the time.)

You will spend the next few weeks or even months, condemning, soul searching and repeatedly questioning yourself, ‘what did you do wrong to deserve this?’ and at one point, you might even allow yourself to think you were at fault and therefore, he had every God damned foresaken right to cheat on you, to fool you and to humiliate you.

Unaware, you will pass on those cynical remarks, unintentionally sneak snide comments and maybe even do things beyond the rationale of your mind – just to make yourself feel better. You will have all the urge in the world, not being able to resist yourself and in fact sometimes hampering yourself with even more jeopardy – by not staying away.

It beats me too until today, how can people whom apparently loved and cared for you do this to you? How can that person that shared those significant years of their life leave you in limbo? How can that person just let memories fade?

There will be so many, many how cans and so many many whys. Too many.

But eventually, girls, you WILL pull through this.

Because for me, after those daunting experiences, I have learnt to accept and eventually completely got over it, and I can even whole heartedly say ‘bless them’. Life is never easy. And the rest is history, never to be mentioned because afterall, some things are better left unsaid. As far as I am concern, I don’t think I will ever want to revisit my past again.

Them all, made me a better person as I am today. I can see the bigger picture – I grew. not physically wtf, and Iearnt to appreciate those around me, I learnt to be contented with what I have, I learnt to mind my own business and most importantly, I learnt not to trust people easily – to see the bigger picture.

This lesson is expensive but nonetheless fruitful. There will be days when you won’t see daylights, there will be nights where tears roll profusely but it WILL PASS.

I look back now, I will smile and say, I’ve strengthened myself and I know for sure I became a better person.

So girls, 7 months ago, I was curling in bed not being able to foresee myself being able to overcome the excruciating agony – the pain of being betrayed and fooled, loss of a job and farmer, yet 7 months later, I am happy where I am today.

Just bear in mind, I am here to share with you all the obstacles ahead, to relate my story.. because I hold you girls close to my heart.

Afterall this is life – never easy. Don’t regret, cry all you want – and then stride your pride and look ahead. The future foresees and bespeaks an assurance. It’s easier said than done, but I’ve done it so why can’t you?

Achieving nirvana

I am writing this in relation to Tze’s post.

More than often, I am the type of girl who expresses better in words, in myself and whether I like it or not, people call me – dramatic nonetheless. When I have that argument with my boyfriend, I do not shy away and hide and tell people everything is OKAY when clearly everything is not. I will not defiantly defend myself nor will I bitch and point out his habits in front of everybody, but I will pass those cynical remarks, those sometimes unintended harsh words and I will tell people we had an argument.

Often my lack of empathy reflects on myself as a whole, as a being – that I am dramatic, and that I am unappreciative and I kiss and tell. People talk, they gossip and they judge, everyone does in some ways or another. These are inevitable – it’s human nature.

Unaware, after my months of break-up, I will often unintentionally sneak some snide comments about him and her, about their affair and how much they hurt me. I remember there was once I cried publicly, because I was in so much agony that I could not contain the tears – i felt humiliated, ashamed of my utmost disgraceful reaction, but hey that’s life?

Now that after all the months have passed, after those daunting experiences, I have learnt to accept and eventually completely got over them, and I can even whole heartedly say ‘bless them’. Life is never easy.

And the rest is history, never to be mentioned because afterall, i’ll leave myself some pride, her some dignity and him some ego. As far as I am concern, I don’t think I will ever want to revisit my past again.

Sometimes, I will have the urge, the imaginative and perfect script to define and express the agony I held within, to let the world know, to create a revenge system – the perfect venge, but my rationale forbids me, why the unnecessary commotion? Why make yourself look bad? After all, as I kept subtle, people knew. They cared, those simple texts, those encouraging words.. was more than enough. Being a Buddhist, my mom always advised me to chant – gracefully, to let the anger die, to let it go, and I believe, if you have that belief, that inner strength, you will stop eventually.

Amicable break-ups are almost non-achievable, maybe because of my nature, my forward characteristics – the way things ended in almost every relationship – me being sour most of the time, thinking that I am right, but I do know, if you are that important to a certain person, the friendship will clearly NOT go down the drain.

Azrin and I are like souls to each other – the fact that we understood where we were heading when we called it a day, 5 and half years down the line, I will be seeing him end of August. I see him at least once a year – if not more, considering the fact that we are in different parts of the world. We keep in touch, emails, texts, and even AIMs.

JV and I, are good friends, – a part of my ipoh loved ones, a guy I will spend a day with, catching up, talking – someone I lean and count on at times, someone that will drop an occasional email and we know deep down inside, we care for each other a hell lot.

Sometimes I will sit and wish fondly of so many other things in life – but if this did not happen, I would not have grown right? 2008 saw a hard long winding road for me, from struggling with finding a job and coping with the loss of people to soul searching, I have had enough.

As life just begins to settle, I don’t want to create another whirlwind, let me keep mine subtle and peaceful, because I really absolutely need that for a long, long time.

Because I want to be able to achieve nirvana.

babe

the fact that one week ago you were here hugging me to sleep, kissing me good morning, brushing teeth with me.

that i was at 42nds and everything was just about you, me and us.

im tired and my leg is breaking yet i couldn’t sleep thus i went out.

i am seriously damn not interested in any tom dick or harry.

i want to be with u just you you and you.

for now i know, how much you meant to me, and nothing else mattered.

Protected: A beautiful Sunday

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You woke me afresh

Saturday, 19th July 2008.

I woke up feeling more lethargic than ever – like i’ve never been so tired ever before.

I somehow had the same odd premonitions that he would call me that very night, I see signs of it. I just knew it.

Everything happened in coincidence – the other phone brought to work, the other phone being used, the other phone being picked up flashing his name.

He came, he told, he cared.

It was all I needed to know.

Protected: too angry to think of one.

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dignity

I wouldn’t know how would I have pulled through this treacherous journey of mine if it wasn’t for her, being physically and emotionally there for me and as I am starting to adapt to a better chapter, somehow, a slightly more promising future, I can only watch in somber as hers falter.

I know and she knows very well she is following my rather heterodox routes. and yet all I can do is listen, watch and hope generously that her decision is what a blessing may follow.

I can only do what a friend can do at most, and the rest, I will have to leave it in God’s hands and her hands for decisions may come.

the automatic gate

it’s as though i knew what it was like and there i am, stood afar, yet still and watched the shutter close down on its own. like how i am shutting my life away from everyone.

i am not going anywhere or that disappearance in act of hindrance, merely, i just want to regain control of my life, and watch who i meet, what i say and how i am. – in order to not find disappointment in people, not to be discouraged by the world, and above all, to pick myself up.

and how true they have always said, your true friends will always be there through your toughest time, and when i was at down south, i saw those who came and stayed. gathered my thoughts and found my ruins. even by just lending a listening ear without judging, i know who all of you are.

i don’t need that 100 million people in the world to be my friends, moreover, i don’t want them.

i need and want just those 10 of you, who never forgot and rang me without hesitation or doubt just to say ‘Hey Chee Lim, Happy Birthday!’

You know who you are, for that, thank you.

That very little phobic

People asked me why am I not interested to date again or see anybody or even remotely want to get to know anyone new at the moment to which I answered I am just not interested.

How true that is and how far that goes, I am not sure. But I am definitely certain that I am so extremely scared and scarred that I dare not, in ANY way let anybody penetrate and come in through my own little world now, even my housemate, or other friends.

I spoke to Pak Seng and I told him because

1. I am scared to meet people, and I hate the entire ‘get-to-know-you’ process.

2. I have certain expectations and criterias which a guy have to meet these days, and well they are so high that Paks told me ‘you are describing Neil’ wtf.

3. I am scared to trust people and let people love me and care for me because all I can think is how they can hurt me in return.

4. I don’t like to show a guy my bare face as it will be like fucking Halloween everyday then!

Sigh, I want to write Neil a long fat email. I want him to ring me tonight to tell me he wants to come back to mine. But I know it won’t materialise.

no sense

The sense of loneliness and emptiness crept within me once again. I don’t remember feeling like this for a long time, and however, it evolved out of no where and I urged to want to feel belonged, loved and dired.

Feelings as such reminded me of my times with both Neil and Han.

Ultimately, I missed Neil quite a bit last night. However, I restrained myself from texting/calling him. And I succeeded.

this is such a retarded entry.