A reflection of 2008

2008 started with probably the worst year i’ve ever had – with all the calamities (almost!) that hit me. The first six months was spent being lost in outerspace and going no where… blaming, confused, everywhere but no where!

… and then by June things took a turn and I have been the happiest since. Although i’ve failed my driving test twice before passing it the third time…. =)

It’s nice when you speak to your friends and only to find out their parents actually asked about you. How you know them so well, and you remember their house number by heart because you are so familiar ringing them eversince you were a child!

Eversince I was a child, I have almost always dreamt of taking this route to be overseas – financially independent, working and living abroad. I have chosen to proceed with my journey ahead and stay in the UK in the foreseeable future or so. I guess I will continue as long as I am permitted to mencapai cita-cita!

Obviously there will be loads of things that I miss about home, the comfort zone, the parents, the family, the dogs, the friends, the mamaks, but in life, it’s only fair you gain some you lose some.

I’m happy here, happy with my job, happy with my apartment, love my boyfriend to bits, I have yeelyn here, I have different friends which I have yet to know them well enough but I don’t like living life in regrets. (although I do quite almost often)

….. and I really miss home but I guess i know what is the better for me.

I’ve never been better and the new year marks a new life and a better one. I am well ready =)

Current climate

We were talking about redundancy today at work today and it actually struck me considering the current climate, the chances of me being made redundant.

Virgin Media had announced a job cut of 2,200 by 2012 and it makes me wonder am i actually affected? We do honestly have a huge database from Customer Services to Provisioning to even Sales and us in Loyalty is just unnecessary – we have been available without any calls for at least 30 minutes before the next one is due in. At least. We get on average 45 calls a day between 4.5 of us. How sad is that?

No commission – not target driven. Nothing.

If I were to made redundant I honestly doubt I will stay here anymore – because I want to make my track back far east. To where I belong,

because then  I will be with all the dearest.

milkyway

The cold damp streets of Manchester preluded with pools of water, filled with chavs, popularised by students is almost what i do not want anymore.

I visited a friend tonight – as he will be going back home for good and i tried attempted to spend time with him but my kind gesture was ignored otherwise. We went for a meal in which we scoffed our chicken down and adjourned home and known to all how much I cherish frienships, I decided to just hang around to say my farewells as I am pretty certain I will not see much of him anymore maybe even for the rest of my life. Much to prediction, only disappointment greeted me.

From that moment, i turned around and realised that indeed true friends are rare here. At least for me.

I was close from being in tears, water swell, heart crunching, mind boggling I was in the true world of loneliness.Where are they? Where should I be? From that moment, I almost have decided to just go home because I want to be with people that I can count on, people that I can just call for a chat – and I just want that feeling of happiness again.

I am drawn away from Neil – I feel it does not substantiate me – not emotionally – does he even know me?

Do i even know then?

help me to help you

please, promise me, don’t do that again. you got me shivering, cold sweats, crying in this already damp awful weather. you are so far away – i don’t know who can help you, who can take care of you…

please help me to help you

19 years, and every tear meant every blood.. because you are dear to me, my dear friend.

please please please… don’t do it again.

the myth and chronology

People exert themselves into relationships after relationships – one after another – not allowing themselves time to wallow and grief over the previous one and by the next time you see them they are in a new relationship – happy loving and probably moved in with their boyfriend already. It makes you think – was that love between her and the old flame? Is this guy a rebound?.. ah but many a times, girls boys, men women conduct this behaviour – deemed appropriate or not who are we to judge? it’s you yourself that you gotta live up to – not anyone else, your own conscience and guilt – your dignity and pride.

I lived a life of what just myself described as above – and then you get those gossips flying around town – and i sat and reminisced my teenage years at college – how many different men i saw each month sends shiver right back down my spine and freezes my head – i questioned myself how did i do that? Well, I did. I had loads of flings, kissed numerous people whom I don’t even remember their faces what more their names and it was fun at least from what i recalled – hey I was a teen coming out to explore and being wild was not even an option – it was a necessity!

And now, I am actually really pleased with myself that I think I have grown into a lady I have learnt to live, to be happy and most importantly I have learnt to love a man so fine it makes you think caviar is second grade. LOL

I enjoy my own space and time – I like talking on the phone daily and I like going on our dates – and most importantly i like not seeing him everyday.

The myth? — how did I live with a guy for two years in a room? how did I see him almost everyday and how do people do it now? All I know now is I doubt i can do this at all anymore. I love seeing him three times a week, i love ‘the getting ready whilst waiting for him so he doesn’t know what i wear’ and i love above all our respect to each other’s space and time.

grey smoke

As I sat here on my desk, I begin to realise the difference between the working environment here comparatively to back home. Every Friday feels like a proper Friday – we wear whatever we want – casual, comfortable, no stress, finish at half five, people rushing off for after-work Friday drinks, and hey hang on a second – where was this when I worked with EY?

I enjoy working – I enjoy earning my own money, I enjoy rooting off my own feet – i enjoy the independence, but above all, i love NOT burdening my parents and instead being able to afford the luxury that they once had provided me for.

I could see if I were to be at home now – working for a MNC earning a measley RM2,500 prior to tax i would never a chance live the life I am living now, daily shopping, living in a nice fancy apartment, scrumptious meals and 50 pairs of heels

….and yet i still feel something very much is missing.

Winter frost

I’ve never really thought of things that I have missed before after moving here for approximately three years and three months, people that I may have had the chance to be closer to and spending more time with my mom and dad – or in fact giving my country a chance to prove herself wrong economically and politically.

Looking at pictures of others – how they spent time together with poeple whom they grew up with going on road trips and holidays – clubbing and sharing the same ‘teh-o-ais-limau’, pigging out on ‘indo-mie goreng tambah mata kerbau’, playing fire crackers, bribing cops and scuttering around KL town trying to look ‘in’ and at the same hanging out all the Ipoh ‘char chan teng’ drinking coffee or ‘cha suit’..

I missed many a times chances of spending time with dear friends in whom I can get to know better in whom I can rely on and many on these times – I have met new people, some are great friends, but some turn out to overlook and overjudge you. Mind you, i’m not the best person to meet first at sight but I have always believed in giving fair grounds and judgement.

I looked through my phone book and aimed to ring a friend or two and hoped that they will come out for coffee with me but what are odds? Will it materialise? Is our friendship a true one or what others call it superficial? And that was when it honestly hit me – there is no one that I actually trust truly apart from a dear girl in Leeds and another in London.

Betrayal – something which I have tasted and yet still remember – pretty ugly, sweet, sugary and definitely peppery and I am allergic to pepper.

I wished, sometimes almost hopeful that I could turn it back and start afresh – maybe giving Malaysia a chance and did my degree there – I would have been housemates with Yee Hui and May by now?

Nonetheless, if not for these independence and responsiblities of the experiences I doubt I will be as realistic as what I am now.

And when u walk down the road dodging the slippery roads – you can overlook the beauty of snow, ice and winter – maybe I did and maybe I didn’t. But one thing I definitely did – I have lived my life the way I have almost wanted it and for that I am blessed.