The space I have seemed to restrict me from getting my much needed privacy. People always have their heads poking into your business and once they stop talking about you, they cannot stop and they go on and on and on.
I feel inadequate, that I do not have what I want – i’ve lost what I used to have. An understanding mother, a loving boyfriend and a job that I absolutely love.
I just want to shy away from life which I have had enough.
I text Neil
“Hi Neil, we haven’t spoken for a while.. u ok? I really dislike this cold war..”
and
“Hey. Yeah good thanks.. busy as usual but having a lot of fun with it too. The cold weather is pants although i made it to london on monday.. nobody from zavvi did tho..ha. how are you? missing mummy?”
and that is the end to my relationship.
i feel like crying then laughing really hard.. because I can’t decide what to feel and what to be like. I don’t want to convince myself because it will only make it harder.
i’ve been through worse and I pulled myself out of it. but yet i’m back in the cycle i was a year ago. nojob,nolove,notrust.
perhaps, that is the end to it and no words should be said.
but i don’t understand how can he leave it like that.
sometimes i wonder what you are thinking.
sometimes i wonder what your next steps are.
mainly i wonder if this is actually what you want.
yet again, i’ve been hit by the bug – moody cow bug.
i need an uplift, i need some friends and i need some life.
being in london whole of yesterday was probably one of the happiest days ever. no pressure with marie – just pure comfort, neha was fun and min was reminiscing.
i miss neil, i miss him i’ve been thinking of him and i want to talk to him.
My past relationships have always been fiery, fiesty and tornado-ish. I don’t know if it is me as a person or it is due to the other person being touchy, or me being insensitive – i never knew the reasons and never investigated.
Temperant and anger are behaviours that I can never control - not to say I don’t try but often i find myself struggle to cope, and struggle to tolerate. But now, from experiences and lessons, I learn to control and understand to put them in place and yet somehow, my relationship is still not working.
I get blamed, accused, alleged, prosecuted for faults that I never incurred, for doings that i’ve never committed. I feel vulnerable, I cannot cope, I cannot handle and i feel the pressure.. and all i ever want to do is have a plan. I was deemed not understanding, I was deemed to suffocate, i was deemed evil – i was never right, always wrong.
Maybe leaving closed doors closed was always a better choice than to have reopened a sealed box.
Maybe after all, he never loved me.
