wet water runs still

My past relationships have always been fiery, fiesty and tornado-ish. I don’t know if it is me as a person or it is due to the other person being touchy, or me being insensitive – i never knew the reasons and never investigated.

Temperant and anger are behaviours that I can never control - not to say I don’t try but often i find myself struggle to cope, and struggle to tolerate. But now, from experiences and lessons, I learn to control and understand to put them in place and yet somehow, my relationship is still not working.

I get blamed, accused, alleged, prosecuted for faults that I never incurred, for doings that i’ve never committed. I feel vulnerable, I cannot cope, I cannot handle and i feel the pressure.. and all i ever want to do is have a plan. I was deemed not understanding, I was deemed to suffocate, i was deemed evil – i was never right, always wrong.

Maybe leaving closed doors closed was always a better choice than to have reopened a sealed box.

Maybe after all, he never loved me.