I took a slow stroll back home today compared to my usual fast pace and quick steps… however today, I took my time and glided home. I looked around me and i looked at my own reflection as I walked past mirrors, thinking.
I am so tired. I am so tired of struggling and coping.
Maybe it is right you need to fall down so hard before you start climbing up and that is exactly what I am doing - I am allowing myself to fall down.
It follows us home, it changes our lives,
Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that’s the point
All the pain, the fear and the crap, maybe going through that is what keeps us moving forward, is what pushes us, maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.
Spoke to Ben tonight. MY ben. Our Ben. The Ben.
It was great, talking about silly times BM tuition, pasar malams and innocent days.
Aww… B B B =)
If anyone from work stumbles across this i am as dead as a meat.
I cannot stand it. The hatred is like a growing passion. I cannot seem to find one moment in which I like or enjoy at all. I just HATE it.
I had to take a little breather and go out to calm myself down. Stupid puppy!
i used to wake up and want to go to work because I get money and commission, because of my breaks and lunches and most importantly because of all the great people surrounding me or even at EY (minus all of them) it was challenging and somewhat different everyday.
Now I fucking go slave myself to work for survival. Because it is fucking credit crunch – I need to pay my rent, my bills, my card, my food – nevermind the shopping or even the drinking. Just to fucking survive. Cibai.
Then, i get into this “i-have-no-fucking-idea-what-situation-i-am-in” mode. Magehai. With all these nonsensical relationship problem and a great housemate with zero consideration, and my zero tolerance too.
Really absolutely kukujiao.
I don’t even wanna be happy – that’s like achieving nirvana, I just want to be not upset and be fucking normal..
The stress from work – from perfecting my pitch to booking appointments to my flipping boss stop wagging her tail on my face to worrying about people around me. I am a nut head, a stress ball.
I saw Neil yesterday after texting him first lar. I know I shouldn’t but fuck it lar, I cannot go on living a life like this. I cannot go on not knowing what the fuck I am drinking, smoking and not eating. I want to be normal, to be fucking human and healthy.
I am so angry, so so tired.
Sometimes when you are so tired and all you want is to come back to a warm house with somebody to hug, cuddle and fall asleep on?
And it came back to haunt me..
13 days, 9 hours.
I’m beginning to adapt to my new life. It’s not too bad I suppose.
Although I fucking hate my job I am actually starting to think it is okay. Life being on my own is not so bad – considering the fact that I enjoy my own company more than I thought I would. However, the exasperating fact is that now I have stomach ulcer, although it hurts and I couldn’t move, I am still alone.
The ulcer is still reacting to food mainly but if I eat starchy food not creamy it doesn’t react that much.
I want to be able to smile again and be happy so that I can sleep =)
WONGCHEELIM WAKE THE FUCK UP!
Stop binge drinking because you have stomach ulcer, stop smoking because it’s not fucking cool and you know it, stop stressing out over unnecessary stress.
Really, tonight my ulcer reacted partly because i’ve been binge drinking my weekend away, partly because I drank on an empty stomach. It’s not funny because whilst I was curled in bed so drunk, I couldn’t move, couldn’t call anybody and there was nobody to call.
I need to stop having wishful thinking. If i can not call Neil for 10 days, I’m pretty damn sure I can do anything else. I need to stop jeopardising my own health, need to think for myself and live a healthy life style.. because at the end of the day, it’s only yourself and your family that will be there for you.
So, it’s only A BREAK UP why handle it this badly when YOU HAVE INDEED GONE THROUGH WORSE??!! WAKE UP WONGCHEELIM GET GOING!!! =)
i think my stomach ulcer reacted. hahaha it hurts hahaha but fuck cares i love getting drunk
Dear Neil,
Hey baby, i’ve missed you. Where have you been? How have you been?
I’m really really exhausted Neil, and I want to sleep so so badly. I want to get over and not be upset and stop counting the seconds, the minutes and stop staring at a phone that does not bleep and stop wishing for dead dreams.
It has been 8 days, 5 hours and 2 minutes since I last spoke to you, it has been 15 days 6 hours 58 minutes since I last touched, saw and kissed you. Why did we have to end this way?
Why did you have to leave me a voice message that I record and replay over and over again?
Why did you have to tell me you will call me as soon as you get back?
Why did you have to tell me all the lies and make me conform myself into denial?…
It hurts you know. It hurts to know that you do not care enough to call. It hurts to know that you are back and do not even bother to text.
It hurts even more because I hate my job, I have no support and where are you?
I want to cry, but I cannot seem to find any tears. I want to whine and wail and shout but I am speechless. I want to drink to ease the pain only to get heartburn. I want to eat nytol to sleep only to have tremor. And i resorted to even smoking because it fucking hurts to be in this position.
It just fucking hurts. I want an answer, I want a closure…
But I know these are just wishful thinking.
