hearburn

i cannot believe i’m not at work because of the stupidest reason in the world. – heartburn. I couldn’t sleep all night, and my heart burns. Vodkas after vodkas, nytols after nytols… my head is spinning and my heart is burning.

i replayed a voice message that  i recorded that Neil once left on my phone – how he claimed how much he loves me, and i am all he ever wanted. And somehow those words make me stronger and that i do want to move on, and get going.

With Neil this time, I never really felt i was in an actual relationship – i don’t know if it is because we hardly spent time together, or we hardly go out with each other’s friends and try to get to know them or because of the constant arguements we had. He hardly met my friends and to date i can count he possibly only met three on a good note. He hardly wants to spend time with me – not only that his work does not permit, otherwise he always seemed reluctant. There will always be an excuse. Always always. I don’t know him, I don’t remember the things we do, or the things that I HAD to do for him. I don’t know.

Six months down the line – we are back to square one. I’m hurt yes, but I have been through worse – so I’m just taking my time to chill and be left alone, to grieft, mourn and be human again.

Sunday

Today is a Sunday.

The weekend is finally over. The emptiness left me.

Weekdays are better.. weekends are dreadful. But life must go on.

i am pathetic

i find myself pathetic. friends tell me to step away and leave.

and that is exactly what i will do.

but i’ve been staring at the phone, wishing that it will ring but i know will not.

when the well dries up

have u ever had the feeling of crushing pain and that you want to cry, wail and whine but no words can be uttered out? no baffled noises, no murmuring – nothing.

my hands are shaking and i want to cry, but i can’t. i want to let go of the pain, one that i never remember, one that i hate handling – and yet it is so difficult.

i’m so so tired, i’m just so so tired – i just want to have some shut eyes, sleep and not think. i just want it to go away.

darkness stop coming..

i wish i could do it…

round and round, over and over again, and nobod knows the plain agony and pain, the excruciating heartache, the emotional touch, or the tears.

alone, darkened, i wish i know. i wish i could do it.

Vicious Cycle

My life goes around a loop – what happened last year seems to recycle in chronological order and is happening again. Only difference is I am able to cope and handle it better and more appropriately now.

Genuinely, I have forgotten how it feels to be heart broken and then it all came back only to be more painful, less memorable, sleepless night, cringes, dependence on sleeping pills……..

The hot and cold demon

A wise person once said,

“If he doesn’t want to see you, he is really not that into you”

That was how i think my relationship is for now. Neil and I spent weeks apart due to our busy schedules – him being away on weekdays and both of our weekends are quite taken up.. so when I thought we both have no plans, we might jump into that opportunity and spend that little time together to make it up. Unfortunately I am very wrong.

Long story short, we spent 8 days in January together (or less) and 2 days in February together and we went through a time of not seeing each other for 3 weeks… and he will be going to France skiing on his birthday week and guess what?!… this is what he said

“i need to get a decent sleep before going on a lads holiday. you have to understand “

wow. HAVE TO. and a DECENT SLEEP BEFORE A LADS HOLIDAY. So where does that place me?

1. after sleep..

2. after his lads

3. or.. after his sleep AND lads. perhaps this is the best category for me to fit in.

Bear in mind I haven’t seen him for a week.. how callous of me to not understand and threw a fit? Ha. Apparently I am very much quoted “high maintenance” and “demanding”.

Well, well another one down the refuse then.

He really is not that into me.

Clarityne

So after one year of dodging and avoiding the bug, I finally caught it over black pepper. Did you know that I am highly allergic to black pepper? Funnily enough, I love my spice and chillies but when it comes to black pepper, my throat has no resistance to it and there you go – another round of sniffling, coughing and blowing… my nose.

What American Hot pizza with jalapeno peppers (it’s actually the chilli that we eat with wan tan mee in Malaysia) can do to me.. especially when the pizza base was practically painted with what seem to be my biggest enemy – black pepper.

Updates -

Luckily enough, I secured myself with a job, not an amazing one, not something that I would think I’d like to do but hey, it’s a job at the end of the day in this credit crunch and redundancy. Telemarketing – trainee sales executive. What they say – if you can do a sales job (inclusive of cold calling random people) you can definitely do anything. I don’t like it, but I think i’ll be good at it because of my personality. Afterall, the career progression is amazing within my company.

What’s next? well, perhaps my relationships? – interesting enough, at this point I gave myself a thought to go home for good but as everyone else expected, here I am – stayed, found a new job and extending my visa. I don’t know why I want to stay – for the job, for the man or for the comfort that i’ve had in England because I know going home,  I am no where near being able to afford the luxury that I have now.

That’s reality, only if I can wake up tomorrow with a hundred thousand pounds in fact i’m not greedy, ten thousand pounds will suffice showered on my face and my body like a duvet keeping me warm.

But what are they chances hey?