I woke up…

with a heartburn, deprive of sleep and depressed.

Then I had everything in the world to do from changing hotels, to changing appointment to booking train tickets etc. What a manic day!

Lucky day – managed to obtain an earlier appointment with the US Embassy, got my tickets, changed my hotel for Brazil, rang my mom, cried to her and got her to comfort me asking me to go home earlier than I should and then headed out for lunch – sunbathed and got every thing else sorted

And I am bloody knackered.

I have a lot in my mind that was repeating like a tape recorder – but I let it off my chest yesterday and I feel utterly better now. I will stop chasing it and stop thinking and let go.

Because letting go is the beauty of love.

something or what it is like called

Insomnia…

This is certainly NOT FUNNY especially when you need to work the next day!!!!! I went to bed at 1030 got up at 230 and now 430 and i cant sleep ARGH. Kust took some Clarityne in hopes to fall asleep again. I knew this was gonna happen. Can’t find my Nytol last night as I knew I needed them..

I am depressed. I am not happy and my mind is constantly running and thinking .. this has been going on for ages. Sleepless nights.

My mind is constantly working, worrying about unnecessary things, wishing for fairytale ending. I am pathetic and revolting and disgusting and I hate myself for this.

Pullbears and Paddington

“These days I’ve been feeling that life has been too short – I watch people around me dying, people that they love – only young. My colleague’s boyfriend just passed away hit by a van when he went out to buy his lunch. The van forgot to pull the handbrakes up and it rolled down, hit him and he died cause of the injury sustained.

Then my other colleague’s niece died as well who is only 6 months old.

I was playing a game that I thought I’ll be the master but I am now fucking my own feelings up. I was ignoring Neil’s calls for 5 days, avoiding him, taking different routes to work etc just don’t want to bump into him and it worked. It worked. I found out that he couldn’t function without me, he misses me and he loves me. Unfortunately every game has its own consequences, it backfired. After having to spend Friday night with him and a bit of Sat morning, Neil asked me if i wanna be back with him and I brushed it off by saying “let’s not talk about it”, moments later, i text him and said ” you asked me if I wanna be back with you?… yes I do. Do you? Would you if I decided to stay on?”

And I mean it. I am fickle. I cannot decide what i really want to do in life. I wanna go home because I know it will do me good BUT I wanna be with Neil. I was talking to May, somehow it seems like only she understands how I feel because she was clinging on to Jay for so long.

You can accept all of his flaws, his weird habits, his annoying self etc. And when I mean Neil is annoying he is fucking annoying. Ie, he loves saying things on repeat, say if he got it in his mind a sentence he will go on a whole day saying that sentence mid conversation. For example he can go on saying “don’t PISS ME OFF LAR!” in proper kuailo try to be Malaysian accent every few minutes and he like playfully hit me whilst he says it or when I am talking serious bout work etc, he will suddenly just shout “DONT PISS ME OFF LAR!”. Or when I am at work, he will email/text me “don’t piss me off lar” like 5 times a day. LOL.

His other habits include bipolarness his mood changes when he is hyper (ie, he will suddenly say NOLAR out of the blue or FUCK OFF LAR), calling me middle of the night and you would think Englishmen have the best mannerism, meet Neil Smith he puts us Malaysians first class without a wink. He farts on the dining table, in bed, burps whenever he wants, does all the most disgusting things LOL. Even he said, he only does all these with me and he was never even this extreme with any of his ex gfs or anyone else. He is very comfortable with me to the extend that I can be pee-ing and he can be brushing his teeth or I can be shitting and he wants to come into the toilet to talk to me.”

Fact.

I sometimes surprise myself – the fact that I can overcome so many things in life and yet I can be so loyal to one inhumane person, the fact that I live in a fantasy world, the fact that I advise all of my friends to never let a person take you for granted, and yet I am myself eating my own words, being a hypocrite and going down that road.

Outline the demon.

Of tulips and grass

The Nature. Never did I know how to appreciate the nature that much before.

I basically spent the entire day outdoors from brunch to tea to even dinner – all outdoors. An appreciation of nature day.wtf. Having spent the half the day at Keukenhof before they close for the rest of the year, well scheduled just before they close on 21st of May.

Most of the tulips already died or opened up. Only certain coloured tulips remained open. However, coincidentally due to the last few days of the opening of the garden – they have a lily exhibition  which was quite a detriment to Zwen’s boots and coat and also Tim’s beige linen. Lily’s pollen are well known for its mischief – permanently staining clothes.

Nonetheless it was a lovely, lovely day. From camwhoring to eating the Dutch fat ass steak which was mega utterly uberly yummylicious… right down to the night of more camwhoring and i took some grass which i now can say i officially hate the feeling, the taste and the awful hangover effect the next time. I was literally stoned. LOL – I can finally saw the cow ate grass.

Surprisingly a country of legal drugs – they actually banned magic mushrooms now!

Amsterdam oh amsterdam!

Angels and Demons

What a good film. Better than I expected. Maybe because of all the bad reviews or maybe because I didn’t expect anything or read the book and therefore I am not disappointed.

I had a very gloomy day. I just didn’t feel like myself. At all.

It’s like the demon has successfully taken over my body. Let me think rubbish and now I feel even more rubbish. Rubbish.

Cos of him lar. Ish

my broken DVD player

So my laptop fell on the floor like 3 times and now I cannot even open the DVD player LOLz. I am the champion.

And my laptop is only 1 year old and 2 months and it is already half malfunctioning.

I feel shit. My head is messed up more than anything.. and i need to slap myself awake so that I can go back to sleep.

the message

I guess you are right. I’m fickle. I wanna be back together now. And I know some parts of you do as well. But I guess it’s a no no. I’m gonna start taking a huge step and take different routes to work and back. It really did mess me up a lot till the point that if you ask me to stay i would for you. We really need a clean break. And I’ll do so by putting an end to this. It’s not fair on you. It’s not fair on me. I’ve never felt this way with anyone else before. I’ve never pulled a string this far before. Enough is Enough.

ARGH!

I don’t understand why I have so much to complain and rant about life. Not to say I am not happy or fucking depress but sometimes those minority really irate me and agitate me so much until I bengang gila babi!

Okay, so you are allowed to attend conferences – whereby you get to meet loads of potential clients/leads – in which you can call them and book appointments – in a way making your life slightly easier a few days not needing to worry about cold calling. So you bash out, hammer the day get as many name cards as possible thinking that it will all go into your fucking pool that probably work is not so bad after all… but only to fucking cibai mother ge hai expect….

THAT ALL THE FUCKING FORTY FUCKING ONE NAME CARDS YOU OBTAINED GO INTO THOSE MAGECIBAI TEAM LEADER’S POOL.

So THEY GET ALL THE GRADE ONE CONFERENCE LEADS from BDEs (Business Development Executives) in turn each BDE gets at LEAST at LEAST OKAY – 15 each, there are TEN FUCKING BDEs so COUNT LAR HOW MANY FUCKING LEADS??!!

So both the team leaders get all the leads lar. All the damn good leads which some are obtained by me. And they also get those gila babi good Leads from BDEs and themselves. THEN, they also get incoming queries in which we absolutely get nothing for.

So there. Life is fucking unfair. If you do well – you get nothing. If you do shit – you get a good bollocking.

Fuck off lar cibai.

A bedtime book

People fall out of love and people fall in love. Some are in love and yet they cannot be together but some are out of love and yet they are still together.

I am in love and yet I cannot be with a man I love. BUT somehow i have come to realise and understand the underlining statements – Sometimes loving a person does not necessary mean you have to be with that person.

For those months when I was single, I did not one bit had a crush or wanted anybody else. I did not one bit was looking whatsoever, I was just happy on my own and I had him in my mind. Few months down the line, the feelings were mutual – we were back on track.

We were ecstatic. We were happy, somehow the puzzle did not fit and we called it off. Now, two months down the line, we both are still lingering around each other like lost puppies.

Neil does not seem to understand the special connection between us. He does not know nor understand the reason he is still hung up over me. He blames it on me – I am not giving him adequate space but I know no matter how much space or time I give him he will still come back. It’s a fact – proven. 3 months break be it 1 year, I am certain he will come back.

The feeling for Neil is just very different – something that I have never felt with any other guy and I dare say that. It’s a feeling of love that grows on a constant basis. You don’t get bored, and you want more of it. You crave for it, and it hurts and yet you can wait because you KNOW and you JUST know that the future holds.