When you so much sat in a living room with a friend you claim to be “good” and it backfires to only realise that u exchanged as most as 10 sentences put together then you know where the friendship lies.

I really wished I did not come. Or at least I could disappear from here.

I don’t understand why I have so much to complain and rant about life. Not to say I am not happy or fucking depress but sometimes those minority really irate me and agitate me so much until I bengang gila babi!

Okay, so you are allowed to attend conferences – whereby you get to meet loads of potential clients/leads – in which you can call them and book appointments – in a way making your life slightly easier a few days not needing to worry about cold calling. So you bash out, hammer the day get as many name cards as possible thinking that it will all go into your fucking pool that probably work is not so bad after all… but only to fucking cibai mother ge hai expect….

THAT ALL THE FUCKING FORTY FUCKING ONE NAME CARDS YOU OBTAINED GO INTO THOSE MAGECIBAI TEAM LEADER’S POOL.

So THEY GET ALL THE GRADE ONE CONFERENCE LEADS from BDEs (Business Development Executives) in turn each BDE gets at LEAST at LEAST OKAY – 15 each, there are TEN FUCKING BDEs so COUNT LAR HOW MANY FUCKING LEADS??!!

So both the team leaders get all the leads lar. All the damn good leads which some are obtained by me. And they also get those gila babi good Leads from BDEs and themselves. THEN, they also get incoming queries in which we absolutely get nothing for.

So there. Life is fucking unfair. If you do well – you get nothing. If you do shit – you get a good bollocking.

Fuck off lar cibai.

A wise person once said,

“If he doesn’t want to see you, he is really not that into you”

That was how i think my relationship is for now. Neil and I spent weeks apart due to our busy schedules – him being away on weekdays and both of our weekends are quite taken up.. so when I thought we both have no plans, we might jump into that opportunity and spend that little time together to make it up. Unfortunately I am very wrong.

Long story short, we spent 8 days in January together (or less) and 2 days in February together and we went through a time of not seeing each other for 3 weeks… and he will be going to France skiing on his birthday week and guess what?!… this is what he said

“i need to get a decent sleep before going on a lads holiday. you have to understand “

wow. HAVE TO. and a DECENT SLEEP BEFORE A LADS HOLIDAY. So where does that place me?

1. after sleep..

2. after his lads

3. or.. after his sleep AND lads. perhaps this is the best category for me to fit in.

Bear in mind I haven’t seen him for a week.. how callous of me to not understand and threw a fit? Ha. Apparently I am very much quoted “high maintenance” and “demanding”.

Well, well another one down the refuse then.

He really is not that into me.

As I sat here on my desk, I begin to realise the difference between the working environment here comparatively to back home. Every Friday feels like a proper Friday – we wear whatever we want – casual, comfortable, no stress, finish at half five, people rushing off for after-work Friday drinks, and hey hang on a second – where was this when I worked with EY?

I enjoy working – I enjoy earning my own money, I enjoy rooting off my own feet – i enjoy the independence, but above all, i love NOT burdening my parents and instead being able to afford the luxury that they once had provided me for.

I could see if I were to be at home now – working for a MNC earning a measley RM2,500 prior to tax i would never a chance live the life I am living now, daily shopping, living in a nice fancy apartment, scrumptious meals and 50 pairs of heels

….and yet i still feel something very much is missing.

When I asked Neil out for a meal and he didn’t reply, I was honestly bothered about it. Very bothered actually. I text him on Saturday night when I was slightly happy, to get it out of my mind.

Today, it bothered me again. And yet I cannot say anything but bereave it within myself. I hate how I am not being able to control my emotions now out of the blue – after being able to attain it for months. When I asked him how many girls did he pull, and he said as many as you did – I was upset, because I knew he did. And I knew he checked on my Facebook because he remembered the guy that I took pictures with in Oxford. He knew Desmond. But I didn’t.

I’m really upset. I’m really sad again. After all these months of being happy, I finally feel vulnerable, for things in which I shouldn’t.

And when I thought I got over him, the feelings came back.

It is one of those melancholic nights on my own, my stomach raging with anger, churning profusely, and the constant spasm is killing me.

The month of September signify a remarkable month – almost always. Because it is his birthday, and the day we met on the Magic Bus 3 years ago, the month in which I started work, met new friends, and a whole new year.

I am feeling absolutely weak. I need someone to hug me and hold me. I need someone to give me the assurance. I have not been feeling this vulnerable for a while. The thoughts of Neil is swimming in my head. The thoughts of the pain is wringing in my pain. Crusting pain.

And I shall describe no more.

I AM SUPER DUPER THE TRIPLE BENCI and ANNOYED.

Dunno why also. Sometimes I feel so damn fucking stupid lar. My mom always said I am too nice to people. For example, on my birthday I DID NOT BLOW A CAKE WEY. WTF. Superficial friends that I’ve got.

ARGH.

Thank God for my amazing mega Ipoh Friends! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOING HOME ASAP!