When you so much sat in a living room with a friend you claim to be “good” and it backfires to only realise that u exchanged as most as 10 sentences put together then you know where the friendship lies.
I really wished I did not come. Or at least I could disappear from here.
2008 started with probably the worst year i’ve ever had – with all the calamities (almost!) that hit me. The first six months was spent being lost in outerspace and going no where… blaming, confused, everywhere but no where!
… and then by June things took a turn and I have been the happiest since. Although i’ve failed my driving test twice before passing it the third time…. =)
It’s nice when you speak to your friends and only to find out their parents actually asked about you. How you know them so well, and you remember their house number by heart because you are so familiar ringing them eversince you were a child!
Eversince I was a child, I have almost always dreamt of taking this route to be overseas – financially independent, working and living abroad. I have chosen to proceed with my journey ahead and stay in the UK in the foreseeable future or so. I guess I will continue as long as I am permitted to mencapai cita-cita!
Obviously there will be loads of things that I miss about home, the comfort zone, the parents, the family, the dogs, the friends, the mamaks, but in life, it’s only fair you gain some you lose some.
I’m happy here, happy with my job, happy with my apartment, love my boyfriend to bits, I have yeelyn here, I have different friends which I have yet to know them well enough but I don’t like living life in regrets. (although I do quite almost often)
….. and I really miss home but I guess i know what is the better for me.
I’ve never been better and the new year marks a new life and a better one. I am well ready =)
We were talking about redundancy today at work today and it actually struck me considering the current climate, the chances of me being made redundant.
Virgin Media had announced a job cut of 2,200 by 2012 and it makes me wonder am i actually affected? We do honestly have a huge database from Customer Services to Provisioning to even Sales and us in Loyalty is just unnecessary – we have been available without any calls for at least 30 minutes before the next one is due in. At least. We get on average 45 calls a day between 4.5 of us. How sad is that?
No commission – not target driven. Nothing.
If I were to made redundant I honestly doubt I will stay here anymore – because I want to make my track back far east. To where I belong,
because then I will be with all the dearest.
please, promise me, don’t do that again. you got me shivering, cold sweats, crying in this already damp awful weather. you are so far away – i don’t know who can help you, who can take care of you…
please help me to help you
19 years, and every tear meant every blood.. because you are dear to me, my dear friend.
please please please… don’t do it again.
I’ve never really thought of things that I have missed before after moving here for approximately three years and three months, people that I may have had the chance to be closer to and spending more time with my mom and dad – or in fact giving my country a chance to prove herself wrong economically and politically.
Looking at pictures of others – how they spent time together with poeple whom they grew up with going on road trips and holidays – clubbing and sharing the same ‘teh-o-ais-limau’, pigging out on ‘indo-mie goreng tambah mata kerbau’, playing fire crackers, bribing cops and scuttering around KL town trying to look ‘in’ and at the same hanging out all the Ipoh ‘char chan teng’ drinking coffee or ‘cha suit’..
I missed many a times chances of spending time with dear friends in whom I can get to know better in whom I can rely on and many on these times – I have met new people, some are great friends, but some turn out to overlook and overjudge you. Mind you, i’m not the best person to meet first at sight but I have always believed in giving fair grounds and judgement.
I looked through my phone book and aimed to ring a friend or two and hoped that they will come out for coffee with me but what are odds? Will it materialise? Is our friendship a true one or what others call it superficial? And that was when it honestly hit me – there is no one that I actually trust truly apart from a dear girl in Leeds and another in London.
Betrayal – something which I have tasted and yet still remember – pretty ugly, sweet, sugary and definitely peppery and I am allergic to pepper.
I wished, sometimes almost hopeful that I could turn it back and start afresh – maybe giving Malaysia a chance and did my degree there – I would have been housemates with Yee Hui and May by now?
Nonetheless, if not for these independence and responsiblities of the experiences I doubt I will be as realistic as what I am now.
And when u walk down the road dodging the slippery roads – you can overlook the beauty of snow, ice and winter – maybe I did and maybe I didn’t. But one thing I definitely did – I have lived my life the way I have almost wanted it and for that I am blessed.
Everyday when I come home – I look forward to switch my Facebook up and read emails after emails from Bex, May and Yee Hui. I look forward to the occasional offline messages from Pak Seng. Most of all – I look forward to those unexpected messages and texts from friends that I have not spoken to for months after months.
My friends – share my utmost joy and weep at my deepest point. They listen, they bitch together and then we laugh at what happened. We may all be busy with our own lives – we may all not spend more than 10 minutes a week in updating each other – but we all DO know that we hold each other close to heart.
Our 4 sentences email is long enough to sustain our happiness.
The reason why I held on so well is because they were there to listen – the champions of listener when I had to rant from work, to housemates, to bitchy people on the train to funny stories – they were just there.
I guess that’s what friends are for.
Thank you to all of you for all the previous encouraging words and faith in me. All of these happened some 7 months ago and I am really really absolutely positively perfectly dandy now. It was just an experience I wanted to share with three girls in particular that are going through the same rough patch that I went through before and of course to share it with other people.
Often my lack of empathy reflects on myself as a whole, as a being – that I am dramatic, and that I am unappreciative and I kiss and tell. People talk, they gossip and they judge, everyone does in some ways or another. These are inevitable – it’s human nature. Nonetheless, I was not being melodramatic or depressed (as some said) and did not exaggerate one bit of my previous note. Until you go through it you have no fucking idea.
Because it was not just about losing my job and being betrayed – it was more than that, I lost hopes, I lost my self-confidence, I lost my parents’ trust, expectations and reliability. I disappointed them so much. I lost my career as a young graduate from a prestigiously famous multinational company. I deemed to be irresponsible and unsuccessful. I was dropped from hundred thousand feet to zilch. I was everywhere but no where.
Then I struggled a few months – interviews after interviews, applications after applications – pulled me down by miles and I was on the verge of giving up, not because I wanted to but the whole fiasco finally dawned on me. Granted, after those depressing ‘holidays’ for months, I now know where I should be. I am finally happy and contented with my life. It may not be a roses of bed – I may not have the best of everything, but ideally I have what I want and what I need, – a job, sense of security and the motivation to go on.
All not for my strength and determination – much due to all those countless support and guidance from dear loves around me – my family and friends. It’s amazing how those little text from people lift your spirit up. From there, I knew who my friends are and where I stand.
When somebody whines and moans about something not having done, think about it, is the person talking for the sake of talking, is the person creating more unnecessary drama for himself and has the person actually action what he was accountable for?
Resilience sprung me back to the world of reality. After all, I know I am still young and instead of sitting around crying for dear life expecting a miracle to happen, stringing to unspoken words, shouldn’t I gather myself and strive for it?
So please my dear girls, stop being addicted to the drama. Stop being melancholic to those bullshit. I know the pain and hurt are as addictive as heroin but what is the fucking point? I know you have the perfect imaginative script – one to define and express your outrage but what is the point? The zillions of apologies are never just yet because all is talk, non are actioned. No matter how many sorries you hear and how painful it is to let memories fly, you will have to fucking slave yourself out of that high. There is absolutely no use whatsoever to think of venge, to cure that little angst in you – as that would only degrade what little dignity you have left after all the humiliation and agony you had to withstand.
What will you get from hurting the person? Do you seriously think you will get the ‘real’ explanation? Do you think the person will feel even half the pain you are enduring? – let alone the unrequited love you have. No one that truly loves you will push you to walls of no return – chasing circles. So stop beating yourself and stop fighting a losing battle.. you will only pay for more provocation than happiness.
Channel your energy on better things not on lost cause. Focus on the bigger issues ie work. Go out, have fun – pack your conscience with you. Get to know yourself – what do you really want? I know you are emotionally vulnerable, subconsciously disillusioned and have the littlest of strength to go on but if you don’t help yourself, no one will be able to.
People are born to be selfish, many at the cost of your expense – they rob your happiness and bury their sorrows – to exchange what they desire not caring about people around them for so they claim they love. Hey, it is about time you learn to care about yourself and appreciate the ones in front of you.
I have overlooked one person during my moment of ‘desperation for answers’ – and I am regretting every ounce of it. So don’t be like me and slap yourself hard and wake the fuck up. YOU HAVE TO WALK AWAY FROM THIS.
When you have woken up, you know where I am – because I am all arms and ears and legs to let you cry.
My mum often tells me – perseverance and resilience is the key to succeed. It’s like those bobo dolls – no matter how they are pushed and wrestled – they will always bounce back, and that is exactly what you need to do. Bounce back and prove to yourself – you are not that weakling you think you are.
Your efforts are not held in reprimand, don’t ever get disheartened because I am always here. I was once there – I know. I am here always – praying generously that your decision is what a blessing may follow.
This beautiful song reminds me so damn much about that time that was just me and 7 other blokes after exams. Crazy and yet fun. Karaoke and I loved it every inch.
Missing those times dearly!
2008 saw a treacherous, windy, tiresome road for me – the fact that not only I lost my utmost prideful job, I was betrayed, fooled and also, ultimately I allowed someone I am delightfully fond of, slide away within my fingertips, for all the wrong doings that I have done to hurt him
Often I wondered, amazed and somehow yet impressed at my own ability and capability by looking back now, simultaneously patting myself at the back, being able to move on and start a new life after what I thought was almost impossible.
Exactly 7 months ago, I was just like you girls now, cringing and reeling in pain – crying profusely, defiantly denying the truth, refusing to accept the fact. I lost my swanky graduate job, betrayed by one whom I thought was a good friend and lied to foolishly by somebody I trusted. At that very point, I was painstakingly suicidal and all I saw was darkness.
I spent the first one month weeping, the next two months playing the blaming game – and I remember talking about their absolutely despicable behaviour daily, whining bout my stupidity, cursing, wondering, pin-pointing, and somehow, a day came when I realised I just stopped whimpering, stopped bitching, and that I knew, I have found myself again. (For that, I owe my gratitude to my mom, farmer and my dear friends for being there all the time.)
You will spend the next few weeks or even months, condemning, soul searching and repeatedly questioning yourself, ‘what did you do wrong to deserve this?’ and at one point, you might even allow yourself to think you were at fault and therefore, he had every God damned foresaken right to cheat on you, to fool you and to humiliate you.
Unaware, you will pass on those cynical remarks, unintentionally sneak snide comments and maybe even do things beyond the rationale of your mind – just to make yourself feel better. You will have all the urge in the world, not being able to resist yourself and in fact sometimes hampering yourself with even more jeopardy – by not staying away.
It beats me too until today, how can people whom apparently loved and cared for you do this to you? How can that person that shared those significant years of their life leave you in limbo? How can that person just let memories fade?
There will be so many, many how cans and so many many whys. Too many.
But eventually, girls, you WILL pull through this.
Because for me, after those daunting experiences, I have learnt to accept and eventually completely got over it, and I can even whole heartedly say ‘bless them’. Life is never easy. And the rest is history, never to be mentioned because afterall, some things are better left unsaid. As far as I am concern, I don’t think I will ever want to revisit my past again.
Them all, made me a better person as I am today. I can see the bigger picture – I grew. not physically wtf, and Iearnt to appreciate those around me, I learnt to be contented with what I have, I learnt to mind my own business and most importantly, I learnt not to trust people easily – to see the bigger picture.
This lesson is expensive but nonetheless fruitful. There will be days when you won’t see daylights, there will be nights where tears roll profusely but it WILL PASS.
I look back now, I will smile and say, I’ve strengthened myself and I know for sure I became a better person.
So girls, 7 months ago, I was curling in bed not being able to foresee myself being able to overcome the excruciating agony – the pain of being betrayed and fooled, loss of a job and farmer, yet 7 months later, I am happy where I am today.
Just bear in mind, I am here to share with you all the obstacles ahead, to relate my story.. because I hold you girls close to my heart.
Afterall this is life – never easy. Don’t regret, cry all you want – and then stride your pride and look ahead. The future foresees and bespeaks an assurance. It’s easier said than done, but I’ve done it so why can’t you?
I am writing this in relation to Tze’s post.
More than often, I am the type of girl who expresses better in words, in myself and whether I like it or not, people call me – dramatic nonetheless. When I have that argument with my boyfriend, I do not shy away and hide and tell people everything is OKAY when clearly everything is not. I will not defiantly defend myself nor will I bitch and point out his habits in front of everybody, but I will pass those cynical remarks, those sometimes unintended harsh words and I will tell people we had an argument.
Often my lack of empathy reflects on myself as a whole, as a being – that I am dramatic, and that I am unappreciative and I kiss and tell. People talk, they gossip and they judge, everyone does in some ways or another. These are inevitable – it’s human nature.
Unaware, after my months of break-up, I will often unintentionally sneak some snide comments about him and her, about their affair and how much they hurt me. I remember there was once I cried publicly, because I was in so much agony that I could not contain the tears – i felt humiliated, ashamed of my utmost disgraceful reaction, but hey that’s life?
Now that after all the months have passed, after those daunting experiences, I have learnt to accept and eventually completely got over them, and I can even whole heartedly say ‘bless them’. Life is never easy.
And the rest is history, never to be mentioned because afterall, i’ll leave myself some pride, her some dignity and him some ego. As far as I am concern, I don’t think I will ever want to revisit my past again.
Sometimes, I will have the urge, the imaginative and perfect script to define and express the agony I held within, to let the world know, to create a revenge system – the perfect venge, but my rationale forbids me, why the unnecessary commotion? Why make yourself look bad? After all, as I kept subtle, people knew. They cared, those simple texts, those encouraging words.. was more than enough. Being a Buddhist, my mom always advised me to chant – gracefully, to let the anger die, to let it go, and I believe, if you have that belief, that inner strength, you will stop eventually.
Amicable break-ups are almost non-achievable, maybe because of my nature, my forward characteristics – the way things ended in almost every relationship – me being sour most of the time, thinking that I am right, but I do know, if you are that important to a certain person, the friendship will clearly NOT go down the drain.
Azrin and I are like souls to each other – the fact that we understood where we were heading when we called it a day, 5 and half years down the line, I will be seeing him end of August. I see him at least once a year – if not more, considering the fact that we are in different parts of the world. We keep in touch, emails, texts, and even AIMs.
JV and I, are good friends, – a part of my ipoh loved ones, a guy I will spend a day with, catching up, talking – someone I lean and count on at times, someone that will drop an occasional email and we know deep down inside, we care for each other a hell lot.
Sometimes I will sit and wish fondly of so many other things in life – but if this did not happen, I would not have grown right? 2008 saw a hard long winding road for me, from struggling with finding a job and coping with the loss of people to soul searching, I have had enough.
As life just begins to settle, I don’t want to create another whirlwind, let me keep mine subtle and peaceful, because I really absolutely need that for a long, long time.
Because I want to be able to achieve nirvana.
