dignity

I wouldn’t know how would I have pulled through this treacherous journey of mine if it wasn’t for her, being physically and emotionally there for me and as I am starting to adapt to a better chapter, somehow, a slightly more promising future, I can only watch in somber as hers falter.

I know and she knows very well she is following my rather heterodox routes. and yet all I can do is listen, watch and hope generously that her decision is what a blessing may follow.

I can only do what a friend can do at most, and the rest, I will have to leave it in God’s hands and her hands for decisions may come.

her

I feel helpless as I watch her cry. I’ve been through the exact rough patch and I want to help her through it, I just don’t know what else is best to say. Or do.

that phone call

15th June 2008, 10.09pm.

After my phone being quiet the entire night, as I was prepared for bed, it vibrated. Much to my surprise, I looked at the screen and it read Kevin Yong. My heart jolted and skipped a bit. I answered the phone with OMG, OMG, OMG!

He was my first ever crush. A guy that I liked for three consecutive years, having sighted him from my country club, when he was a brilliant ping-pong player without knowing that he was the same guy that I had been talking to weekly on mIRC. Those were the days when the microsoft Internet Relay Chatroom was popular, moving on to ICQ and now MSN.

Often I remember, taking a glimpse at him, be it when I was at my country club or be it when it was on the way home from school, or even at those occasional inter-school gathering. It was a long infatuation. One fine day some two years later, I wrote him a long email, informing him about my feelings for him without wanting anything in return. Finally, he picked his guts out to ask me out on a date three years later, and we always ‘dated’ whenever he returned from Ireland. During then, I had no clue where even Ireland was.

Five years passed, and we still went on our occasional seasonal dates, remembering what he wore, the red Nike shirt or the Arsenal jersey in his green Merc. The places we went, from Fridays to Yeolde English and Indulgence as well =) Sweet?

My stomach always churned and my heart always nearly stopped working whenever I go out with him. Because I liked how he looked, thin, tall, ruffled hair, small smiley eyes. I have a knack for tall, thin guys.

One day whilst I was 18, he was 21, he finally confessed to me telling me he was falling for me too and bought me Eeyore and Winnie the Pooh knowing how fond I was on those stuffed toys. But by then, I was not interested, it was not possible because we were both worlds apart. He was in Melbourne, I was going to college.

Now 10 years have passed since I knew him, had a crush on him and yet he still calls. Yet he still remembers my birthday and never fails to in any ways wish me. Much to my adoration, he said ‘Yes, we should go on our dates again!’

Ah, Kevin Kevin, the first guy that made me knew what was liking a guy all about.

A smile for the subsiding pain

Afterall, I think I am numb from all the worst things that have been happening to me for the past six months. A friend told me yesterday “God doesn’t put you through a path that you cannot go through!”

I think so too. Maybe this is just an overdue extremely long test of my life, a path in which after endeavouring, I’ll be just yet strong enough to proceed to be a better being, a stronger and resilient one. Months of endless tries, hopes and determination, and yet after two day of assurance, it’s now all back to square one.

If you ask me why am I not celebrating my birthday this year? – simple, there is nothing to celebrate for, no one in particular that I really want to celebrate with and everybody is busy. Assumingly. And if you ask me why am I telling people and reminding them? -simple, I am used to telling people of my birthday and I just want a party with my EY lot because I want to get pissed – but done. Everybody is too busy.

Ed being the amazing friend he is, invited me to go out with Zara and him, after my traumatic week and noddingly agreed instantly because I just want to have fun and that is if I can ever have fun. I am used to having big parties, or even celebration since as young as one, because each year, I will have beautifully painted pictures, reminding me of all my birthdays – and probably the most significant birthday was my 18th.

I remember on that day, I went back to Ipoh, a friend Marissa came back with me, mom and dad was there, ALL my closest friends were there, and Christine, VG, Ei Leng, Yvonne Hui & Yeen have been baking a cake for me for a week. Trying to bake a cake. And they made me an ice cream cake. I remember to date, how we had two groups of people coming to my house to gather since the SPM results, yakking away – how Kian Mei stood on the arm rest of my antique chair afraid of Ting. It was all so memorable.
I give up on Neil, I think I am numb;- he makes me feel forlorn and unwanted, and how I thought I liked him and good to know I don’t actually that much. Maybe it was just a fantasy as I didn’t miss him as much as I thought I would, and most importantly, I can now finally able to resist myself from men, my heart is made of cold cold stone, I cannot possibly feel anything anymore, not sadness or disappointment. Feelings that momentarily make you feel good is like Valium – and yet I need more than that. I need that simple assurance to know and be certain of my future. I need myself.

People come, people go, some stay. And I definitely saw the friends in me and I do have some really good ones. Maybe losing a job the second time around is a blessing in disguise. Maybe, I am allowed to cry and whine and be a 23 year old again.

Because I am only human.

A cold chilly warm summer day

I feel a little bit better today after spending the night with Yee Lyn.

She came down to see me. And her presence and company lifted my spirit a little bit. We talked the night away until we both fell asleep, and we woke up talking again. The feeling of having someone dear to you, a friend I may say, is amazing, falling asleep knowing that you will wake up with somebody next to you.

The chill from the breeze, yet it was soothing and warming from the inside, having a dear old friend, telling you to get over your past, and look forward to the future. I need to stop reliving in my fantasy world.

In fact, I don’t. I am one of the most realistic person of all times. Because I don’t believe in dreams – I look towards the future that’s who I am.

Neil rang again at 5.23am. To ask me how my day was, to have a go at me. To tell me he doesn’t wish to speak to me no more. He’s nasty and abusive when he’s drunk. I don’t blame him because of two incidents that I did behind his back. It’s alright for him to feel insecure, it’s alright for him to be sensitive, at least for now I know, he likes me enough to feel like that.