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You know when I’m happy I don’t blog? I am really happy. Just blessed with the simplest and littlest things in life.

I’m happy =)

My story

2008 saw a treacherous, windy, tiresome road for me – the fact that not only I lost my utmost prideful job, I was betrayed, fooled and also, ultimately I allowed someone I am delightfully fond of, slide away within my fingertips, for all the wrong doings that I have done to hurt him

Often I wondered, amazed and somehow yet impressed at my own ability and capability by looking back now, simultaneously patting myself at the back, being able to move on and start a new life after what I thought was almost impossible.

Exactly 7 months ago, I was just like you girls now, cringing and reeling in pain – crying profusely, defiantly denying the truth, refusing to accept the fact. I lost my swanky graduate job, betrayed by one whom I thought was a good friend and lied to foolishly by somebody I trusted. At that very point, I was painstakingly suicidal and all I saw was darkness.

I spent the first one month weeping, the next two months playing the blaming game – and I remember talking about their absolutely despicable behaviour daily, whining bout my stupidity, cursing, wondering, pin-pointing, and somehow, a day came when I realised I just stopped whimpering, stopped bitching, and that I knew, I have found myself again. (For that, I owe my gratitude to my mom, farmer and my dear friends for being there all the time.)

You will spend the next few weeks or even months, condemning, soul searching and repeatedly questioning yourself, ‘what did you do wrong to deserve this?’ and at one point, you might even allow yourself to think you were at fault and therefore, he had every God damned foresaken right to cheat on you, to fool you and to humiliate you.

Unaware, you will pass on those cynical remarks, unintentionally sneak snide comments and maybe even do things beyond the rationale of your mind – just to make yourself feel better. You will have all the urge in the world, not being able to resist yourself and in fact sometimes hampering yourself with even more jeopardy – by not staying away.

It beats me too until today, how can people whom apparently loved and cared for you do this to you? How can that person that shared those significant years of their life leave you in limbo? How can that person just let memories fade?

There will be so many, many how cans and so many many whys. Too many.

But eventually, girls, you WILL pull through this.

Because for me, after those daunting experiences, I have learnt to accept and eventually completely got over it, and I can even whole heartedly say ‘bless them’. Life is never easy. And the rest is history, never to be mentioned because afterall, some things are better left unsaid. As far as I am concern, I don’t think I will ever want to revisit my past again.

Them all, made me a better person as I am today. I can see the bigger picture – I grew. not physically wtf, and Iearnt to appreciate those around me, I learnt to be contented with what I have, I learnt to mind my own business and most importantly, I learnt not to trust people easily – to see the bigger picture.

This lesson is expensive but nonetheless fruitful. There will be days when you won’t see daylights, there will be nights where tears roll profusely but it WILL PASS.

I look back now, I will smile and say, I’ve strengthened myself and I know for sure I became a better person.

So girls, 7 months ago, I was curling in bed not being able to foresee myself being able to overcome the excruciating agony – the pain of being betrayed and fooled, loss of a job and farmer, yet 7 months later, I am happy where I am today.

Just bear in mind, I am here to share with you all the obstacles ahead, to relate my story.. because I hold you girls close to my heart.

Afterall this is life – never easy. Don’t regret, cry all you want – and then stride your pride and look ahead. The future foresees and bespeaks an assurance. It’s easier said than done, but I’ve done it so why can’t you?

the automatic gate

it’s as though i knew what it was like and there i am, stood afar, yet still and watched the shutter close down on its own. like how i am shutting my life away from everyone.

i am not going anywhere or that disappearance in act of hindrance, merely, i just want to regain control of my life, and watch who i meet, what i say and how i am. – in order to not find disappointment in people, not to be discouraged by the world, and above all, to pick myself up.

and how true they have always said, your true friends will always be there through your toughest time, and when i was at down south, i saw those who came and stayed. gathered my thoughts and found my ruins. even by just lending a listening ear without judging, i know who all of you are.

i don’t need that 100 million people in the world to be my friends, moreover, i don’t want them.

i need and want just those 10 of you, who never forgot and rang me without hesitation or doubt just to say ‘Hey Chee Lim, Happy Birthday!’

You know who you are, for that, thank you.

that phone call

15th June 2008, 10.09pm.

After my phone being quiet the entire night, as I was prepared for bed, it vibrated. Much to my surprise, I looked at the screen and it read Kevin Yong. My heart jolted and skipped a bit. I answered the phone with OMG, OMG, OMG!

He was my first ever crush. A guy that I liked for three consecutive years, having sighted him from my country club, when he was a brilliant ping-pong player without knowing that he was the same guy that I had been talking to weekly on mIRC. Those were the days when the microsoft Internet Relay Chatroom was popular, moving on to ICQ and now MSN.

Often I remember, taking a glimpse at him, be it when I was at my country club or be it when it was on the way home from school, or even at those occasional inter-school gathering. It was a long infatuation. One fine day some two years later, I wrote him a long email, informing him about my feelings for him without wanting anything in return. Finally, he picked his guts out to ask me out on a date three years later, and we always ‘dated’ whenever he returned from Ireland. During then, I had no clue where even Ireland was.

Five years passed, and we still went on our occasional seasonal dates, remembering what he wore, the red Nike shirt or the Arsenal jersey in his green Merc. The places we went, from Fridays to Yeolde English and Indulgence as well =) Sweet?

My stomach always churned and my heart always nearly stopped working whenever I go out with him. Because I liked how he looked, thin, tall, ruffled hair, small smiley eyes. I have a knack for tall, thin guys.

One day whilst I was 18, he was 21, he finally confessed to me telling me he was falling for me too and bought me Eeyore and Winnie the Pooh knowing how fond I was on those stuffed toys. But by then, I was not interested, it was not possible because we were both worlds apart. He was in Melbourne, I was going to college.

Now 10 years have passed since I knew him, had a crush on him and yet he still calls. Yet he still remembers my birthday and never fails to in any ways wish me. Much to my adoration, he said ‘Yes, we should go on our dates again!’

Ah, Kevin Kevin, the first guy that made me knew what was liking a guy all about.

A smile for the subsiding pain

Afterall, I think I am numb from all the worst things that have been happening to me for the past six months. A friend told me yesterday “God doesn’t put you through a path that you cannot go through!”

I think so too. Maybe this is just an overdue extremely long test of my life, a path in which after endeavouring, I’ll be just yet strong enough to proceed to be a better being, a stronger and resilient one. Months of endless tries, hopes and determination, and yet after two day of assurance, it’s now all back to square one.

If you ask me why am I not celebrating my birthday this year? – simple, there is nothing to celebrate for, no one in particular that I really want to celebrate with and everybody is busy. Assumingly. And if you ask me why am I telling people and reminding them? -simple, I am used to telling people of my birthday and I just want a party with my EY lot because I want to get pissed – but done. Everybody is too busy.

Ed being the amazing friend he is, invited me to go out with Zara and him, after my traumatic week and noddingly agreed instantly because I just want to have fun and that is if I can ever have fun. I am used to having big parties, or even celebration since as young as one, because each year, I will have beautifully painted pictures, reminding me of all my birthdays – and probably the most significant birthday was my 18th.

I remember on that day, I went back to Ipoh, a friend Marissa came back with me, mom and dad was there, ALL my closest friends were there, and Christine, VG, Ei Leng, Yvonne Hui & Yeen have been baking a cake for me for a week. Trying to bake a cake. And they made me an ice cream cake. I remember to date, how we had two groups of people coming to my house to gather since the SPM results, yakking away – how Kian Mei stood on the arm rest of my antique chair afraid of Ting. It was all so memorable.
I give up on Neil, I think I am numb;- he makes me feel forlorn and unwanted, and how I thought I liked him and good to know I don’t actually that much. Maybe it was just a fantasy as I didn’t miss him as much as I thought I would, and most importantly, I can now finally able to resist myself from men, my heart is made of cold cold stone, I cannot possibly feel anything anymore, not sadness or disappointment. Feelings that momentarily make you feel good is like Valium – and yet I need more than that. I need that simple assurance to know and be certain of my future. I need myself.

People come, people go, some stay. And I definitely saw the friends in me and I do have some really good ones. Maybe losing a job the second time around is a blessing in disguise. Maybe, I am allowed to cry and whine and be a 23 year old again.

Because I am only human.

A cold chilly warm summer day

I feel a little bit better today after spending the night with Yee Lyn.

She came down to see me. And her presence and company lifted my spirit a little bit. We talked the night away until we both fell asleep, and we woke up talking again. The feeling of having someone dear to you, a friend I may say, is amazing, falling asleep knowing that you will wake up with somebody next to you.

The chill from the breeze, yet it was soothing and warming from the inside, having a dear old friend, telling you to get over your past, and look forward to the future. I need to stop reliving in my fantasy world.

In fact, I don’t. I am one of the most realistic person of all times. Because I don’t believe in dreams – I look towards the future that’s who I am.

Neil rang again at 5.23am. To ask me how my day was, to have a go at me. To tell me he doesn’t wish to speak to me no more. He’s nasty and abusive when he’s drunk. I don’t blame him because of two incidents that I did behind his back. It’s alright for him to feel insecure, it’s alright for him to be sensitive, at least for now I know, he likes me enough to feel like that.