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Sometimes when you are so tired and all you want is to come back to a warm house with somebody to hug, cuddle and fall asleep on?

And it came back to haunt me..

13 days, 9 hours.

A letter from me to you

Dear Neil,

Hey baby, i’ve missed you. Where have you been? How have you been?

I’m really really exhausted Neil, and I want to sleep so so badly. I want to get over and not be upset and stop counting the seconds, the minutes and stop staring at a phone that does not bleep and stop wishing for dead dreams.

It has been 8 days, 5 hours and 2 minutes since I last spoke to you, it has been 15 days 6 hours 58 minutes since I last touched, saw and kissed you. Why did we have to end this way?

Why did you have to leave me a voice message that I record and replay over and over again?

Why did you have to tell me you will call me as soon as you get back?

Why did you have to tell me all the lies and make me conform myself into denial?…

It hurts you know. It hurts to know that you do not care enough to call. It hurts to know that you are back and do not even bother to text.

It hurts even more because I hate my job, I have no support and where are you?

I want to cry, but I cannot seem to find any tears. I want to whine and wail and shout but I am speechless. I want to drink to ease the pain only to get heartburn. I want to eat nytol to sleep only to have tremor. And i resorted to even smoking because it fucking hurts to be in this position.

It just fucking hurts. I want an answer, I want a closure…

But I know these are just wishful thinking.

hearburn

i cannot believe i’m not at work because of the stupidest reason in the world. – heartburn. I couldn’t sleep all night, and my heart burns. Vodkas after vodkas, nytols after nytols… my head is spinning and my heart is burning.

i replayed a voice message that  i recorded that Neil once left on my phone – how he claimed how much he loves me, and i am all he ever wanted. And somehow those words make me stronger and that i do want to move on, and get going.

With Neil this time, I never really felt i was in an actual relationship – i don’t know if it is because we hardly spent time together, or we hardly go out with each other’s friends and try to get to know them or because of the constant arguements we had. He hardly met my friends and to date i can count he possibly only met three on a good note. He hardly wants to spend time with me – not only that his work does not permit, otherwise he always seemed reluctant. There will always be an excuse. Always always. I don’t know him, I don’t remember the things we do, or the things that I HAD to do for him. I don’t know.

Six months down the line – we are back to square one. I’m hurt yes, but I have been through worse – so I’m just taking my time to chill and be left alone, to grieft, mourn and be human again.

Sunday

Today is a Sunday.

The weekend is finally over. The emptiness left me.

Weekdays are better.. weekends are dreadful. But life must go on.

when the well dries up

have u ever had the feeling of crushing pain and that you want to cry, wail and whine but no words can be uttered out? no baffled noises, no murmuring – nothing.

my hands are shaking and i want to cry, but i can’t. i want to let go of the pain, one that i never remember, one that i hate handling – and yet it is so difficult.

i’m so so tired, i’m just so so tired – i just want to have some shut eyes, sleep and not think. i just want it to go away.

darkness stop coming..

i wish i could do it…

round and round, over and over again, and nobod knows the plain agony and pain, the excruciating heartache, the emotional touch, or the tears.

alone, darkened, i wish i know. i wish i could do it.

Vicious Cycle

My life goes around a loop – what happened last year seems to recycle in chronological order and is happening again. Only difference is I am able to cope and handle it better and more appropriately now.

Genuinely, I have forgotten how it feels to be heart broken and then it all came back only to be more painful, less memorable, sleepless night, cringes, dependence on sleeping pills……..

Inadequacy

The space I have seemed to restrict me from getting my much needed privacy. People always have their heads poking into your business and once they stop talking about you, they cannot stop and they go on and on and on.

I feel inadequate, that I do not have what I want – i’ve lost what I used to have. An understanding mother, a loving boyfriend and a job that I absolutely love.

I just want to shy away from life which I have had enough.

my texts

I text Neil

“Hi Neil, we haven’t spoken for a while.. u ok? I really dislike this cold war..”

and

“Hey. Yeah good thanks.. busy as usual but having a lot of fun with it too. The cold weather is pants although i made it to london on monday.. nobody from zavvi did tho..ha. how are you? missing mummy?”

and that is the end to my relationship.

i feel like crying then laughing really hard.. because I can’t decide what to feel and what to be like. I don’t want to convince myself because it will only make it harder.

i’ve been through worse and I pulled myself out of it. but yet i’m back in the cycle i was a year ago. nojob,nolove,notrust.

perhaps, that is the end to it and no words should be said.

but i don’t understand how can he leave it like that.

snow, frost and heat

yet again, i’ve been hit by the bug – moody cow bug.

i need an uplift, i need some friends and i need some life.

being in london whole of  yesterday was probably one of the happiest days ever. no pressure with marie – just pure comfort, neha was fun and min was reminiscing.

i miss neil, i miss him i’ve been thinking of him and i want to talk to him.