Wow, 3 months passed in a glimpse! Never had I imagined how happy I will be in Malaysia even after being here nearly three months! I’ve seen quite a bit of the world, although never quite enough and now I’ll be starting work next week. A whole new relocation to yet another country again.
I am not quite ready to leave. Feeling the feeds of comfort from home. And yet I’m excited not knowing what to expect from my future.
with a heartburn, deprive of sleep and depressed.
Then I had everything in the world to do from changing hotels, to changing appointment to booking train tickets etc. What a manic day!
Lucky day – managed to obtain an earlier appointment with the US Embassy, got my tickets, changed my hotel for Brazil, rang my mom, cried to her and got her to comfort me asking me to go home earlier than I should and then headed out for lunch – sunbathed and got every thing else sorted
And I am bloody knackered.
I have a lot in my mind that was repeating like a tape recorder – but I let it off my chest yesterday and I feel utterly better now. I will stop chasing it and stop thinking and let go.
Because letting go is the beauty of love.
Insomnia…
This is certainly NOT FUNNY especially when you need to work the next day!!!!! I went to bed at 1030 got up at 230 and now 430 and i cant sleep ARGH. Kust took some Clarityne in hopes to fall asleep again. I knew this was gonna happen. Can’t find my Nytol last night as I knew I needed them..
I am depressed. I am not happy and my mind is constantly running and thinking .. this has been going on for ages. Sleepless nights.
My mind is constantly working, worrying about unnecessary things, wishing for fairytale ending. I am pathetic and revolting and disgusting and I hate myself for this.
“These days I’ve been feeling that life has been too short – I watch people around me dying, people that they love – only young. My colleague’s boyfriend just passed away hit by a van when he went out to buy his lunch. The van forgot to pull the handbrakes up and it rolled down, hit him and he died cause of the injury sustained.
Then my other colleague’s niece died as well who is only 6 months old.
I was playing a game that I thought I’ll be the master but I am now fucking my own feelings up. I was ignoring Neil’s calls for 5 days, avoiding him, taking different routes to work etc just don’t want to bump into him and it worked. It worked. I found out that he couldn’t function without me, he misses me and he loves me. Unfortunately every game has its own consequences, it backfired. After having to spend Friday night with him and a bit of Sat morning, Neil asked me if i wanna be back with him and I brushed it off by saying “let’s not talk about it”, moments later, i text him and said ” you asked me if I wanna be back with you?… yes I do. Do you? Would you if I decided to stay on?”
And I mean it. I am fickle. I cannot decide what i really want to do in life. I wanna go home because I know it will do me good BUT I wanna be with Neil. I was talking to May, somehow it seems like only she understands how I feel because she was clinging on to Jay for so long.
You can accept all of his flaws, his weird habits, his annoying self etc. And when I mean Neil is annoying he is fucking annoying. Ie, he loves saying things on repeat, say if he got it in his mind a sentence he will go on a whole day saying that sentence mid conversation. For example he can go on saying “don’t PISS ME OFF LAR!” in proper kuailo try to be Malaysian accent every few minutes and he like playfully hit me whilst he says it or when I am talking serious bout work etc, he will suddenly just shout “DONT PISS ME OFF LAR!”. Or when I am at work, he will email/text me “don’t piss me off lar” like 5 times a day. LOL.
His other habits include bipolarness his mood changes when he is hyper (ie, he will suddenly say NOLAR out of the blue or FUCK OFF LAR), calling me middle of the night and you would think Englishmen have the best mannerism, meet Neil Smith he puts us Malaysians first class without a wink. He farts on the dining table, in bed, burps whenever he wants, does all the most disgusting things LOL. Even he said, he only does all these with me and he was never even this extreme with any of his ex gfs or anyone else. He is very comfortable with me to the extend that I can be pee-ing and he can be brushing his teeth or I can be shitting and he wants to come into the toilet to talk to me.”
I sometimes surprise myself – the fact that I can overcome so many things in life and yet I can be so loyal to one inhumane person, the fact that I live in a fantasy world, the fact that I advise all of my friends to never let a person take you for granted, and yet I am myself eating my own words, being a hypocrite and going down that road.
Outline the demon.
What a dramatic day at work!!!… and just when I thought I was progressing well at my work, at a steady stream of doing well, I dipped right below zero degrees and another tiff between my manager and I. (again!)
Often I feel that she is breathing down my neck – wagging her damn tail in front of me. I mean I appreciate the fact that she is trying to help me but at the same time I cannot help but feel that she is picking on me. I took a 5 minute breather yesterday and she said “Why haven’t you picked the phone up? What have you been doing for 5 minutes?”
Wow. Just when I got the grasp – I lost it all. I don’t want to come across as a girl with an attitude problem that has to be pulled to the boardroom every single month (Thank goodness it’s once a month at this rate!) – and I do want to tolerate and be resilient but I honestly find it hard especially when there was a hard feeling right at the start.
I just want to go home. I really do.
An excerpt from my reply…
“Neil and I are like that what we call comfort pillow – we can read each other pretty well, finish each other’s sentences before one or the other even started or say the same thing at the same time or order the same food or even know what we are thinking.. It is scary ok. It’s like Neil is so used to me pampering him, understanding his needs, how I make him happy or how I make him sad or even angry, how he likes his sandwiches, what juices he likes etc, what are his habits etc and same on how he knows me well. I guess you adapt to the other person whom you spend most of your time with. It’s only natural – not only with a guy but also your bestfriend or all good friends or even your dogs or your family… if someone spends all his/her time with you and in turn the person does not understand you – then that person is a twat.
We spent the one day weekend together AGAIN (correction: we spent the ENTIRE weekend together) when we are not supposed to.. but we had great fun. Lots of laughter, on street fighter on the xbox, on the wii.. food and chillout ness. I enjoy my relationship with him now – no commitments, i dont get deeply hurt and i know he loves me and vice versa. I worry sometimes that he might go out and kiss another girl, but if this is what i chose, i guess i have to live with it. and i do not get hurt – bcos at the end of the day, i am packing and leaving all behind right? whereas he has to deal with the fact that i will not be here. “
It took me a lot of courage and thinking to finally decide to go home for good – to leave the empire that i’ve built here LOL, to forego my comfort zone of spending and to tie my freedom back.
I’m neither here nor there in the UK. I have not achieved anything except resilience and bravery maybe determination – but no success, no career, that very little experience and nothing more.
I am still young and I haven’t seen the world. I haven’t travelled enough.
I am happy where I am now – single, free and have the money to do whatever 
I finally had a weekend sort of to myself. Lovely weather, warm but I have nobody really to go and enjoy the sunshine with. Just me, myself and I. Sound pathetic don’t I?
I’ve been tested positive for H Pylori – which explains my ulceration. I’m on a week of antibiotics – pretty strong dosages Clarithomycin, Metronidazole and Omerprazole. I have also been advise to stay off alcohol for a month at least… and after heavy weekends and my lifestyle of drinking for a year and half – I am actually having withdrawals – dying for a cold cold glass of Rose Zinfandel or Grenache.
I am worrying bout something rather unnecessary and stupid. A relationship. I somehow have a feeling that Neil is my One. It is scaring me. I always had premonitions and this is one of them.I don’t think i will be able to find that one body or want to be with anyone at all. I am afraid to meet new people, afraid to get to know them and most importantly I am afraid to trust them.
This is scary. We both went in rounds with our relationship, and I know I am in his mind all the time and so is he. Maybe because the break up is so fresh. I really don’t know. Sigh
I rattle on about life, uncertainty, sadness and the list goes on.
So why don’t I take a time to a step back and think about what is good for me and where do I want to go from here?
I really want to travel big time. I really want to do some charity. I really want to use my money saved wisely – not on clothes, shoes and all the sparkly things. But I WANT to use my money to see the world and teach those unlucky ones and most importantly contribute to the society whilst I still can.
And yes, this decision didn’t come in a rash – but because I do not particularly enjoy my job and life is not all rosie here as well.
So I am really excited about backpacking, travelling and leaving my comfortable life behind.
