I took a slow stroll back home today compared to my usual fast pace and quick steps… however today, I took my time and glided home. I looked around me and i looked at my own reflection as I walked past mirrors, thinking.
I am so tired. I am so tired of struggling and coping.
Maybe it is right you need to fall down so hard before you start climbing up and that is exactly what I am doing - I am allowing myself to fall down.
If anyone from work stumbles across this i am as dead as a meat.
I cannot stand it. The hatred is like a growing passion. I cannot seem to find one moment in which I like or enjoy at all. I just HATE it.
I had to take a little breather and go out to calm myself down. Stupid puppy!
i used to wake up and want to go to work because I get money and commission, because of my breaks and lunches and most importantly because of all the great people surrounding me or even at EY (minus all of them) it was challenging and somewhat different everyday.
Now I fucking go slave myself to work for survival. Because it is fucking credit crunch – I need to pay my rent, my bills, my card, my food – nevermind the shopping or even the drinking. Just to fucking survive. Cibai.
Then, i get into this “i-have-no-fucking-idea-what-situation-i-am-in” mode. Magehai. With all these nonsensical relationship problem and a great housemate with zero consideration, and my zero tolerance too.
Really absolutely kukujiao.
I don’t even wanna be happy – that’s like achieving nirvana, I just want to be not upset and be fucking normal..
The stress from work – from perfecting my pitch to booking appointments to my flipping boss stop wagging her tail on my face to worrying about people around me. I am a nut head, a stress ball.
I saw Neil yesterday after texting him first lar. I know I shouldn’t but fuck it lar, I cannot go on living a life like this. I cannot go on not knowing what the fuck I am drinking, smoking and not eating. I want to be normal, to be fucking human and healthy.
I am so angry, so so tired.
I’m beginning to adapt to my new life. It’s not too bad I suppose.
Although I fucking hate my job I am actually starting to think it is okay. Life being on my own is not so bad – considering the fact that I enjoy my own company more than I thought I would. However, the exasperating fact is that now I have stomach ulcer, although it hurts and I couldn’t move, I am still alone.
The ulcer is still reacting to food mainly but if I eat starchy food not creamy it doesn’t react that much.
I want to be able to smile again and be happy so that I can sleep =)
WONGCHEELIM WAKE THE FUCK UP!
Stop binge drinking because you have stomach ulcer, stop smoking because it’s not fucking cool and you know it, stop stressing out over unnecessary stress.
Really, tonight my ulcer reacted partly because i’ve been binge drinking my weekend away, partly because I drank on an empty stomach. It’s not funny because whilst I was curled in bed so drunk, I couldn’t move, couldn’t call anybody and there was nobody to call.
I need to stop having wishful thinking. If i can not call Neil for 10 days, I’m pretty damn sure I can do anything else. I need to stop jeopardising my own health, need to think for myself and live a healthy life style.. because at the end of the day, it’s only yourself and your family that will be there for you.
So, it’s only A BREAK UP why handle it this badly when YOU HAVE INDEED GONE THROUGH WORSE??!! WAKE UP WONGCHEELIM GET GOING!!! =)
Dear Neil,
Hey baby, i’ve missed you. Where have you been? How have you been?
I’m really really exhausted Neil, and I want to sleep so so badly. I want to get over and not be upset and stop counting the seconds, the minutes and stop staring at a phone that does not bleep and stop wishing for dead dreams.
It has been 8 days, 5 hours and 2 minutes since I last spoke to you, it has been 15 days 6 hours 58 minutes since I last touched, saw and kissed you. Why did we have to end this way?
Why did you have to leave me a voice message that I record and replay over and over again?
Why did you have to tell me you will call me as soon as you get back?
Why did you have to tell me all the lies and make me conform myself into denial?…
It hurts you know. It hurts to know that you do not care enough to call. It hurts to know that you are back and do not even bother to text.
It hurts even more because I hate my job, I have no support and where are you?
I want to cry, but I cannot seem to find any tears. I want to whine and wail and shout but I am speechless. I want to drink to ease the pain only to get heartburn. I want to eat nytol to sleep only to have tremor. And i resorted to even smoking because it fucking hurts to be in this position.
It just fucking hurts. I want an answer, I want a closure…
But I know these are just wishful thinking.
Today is a Sunday.
The weekend is finally over. The emptiness left me.
Weekdays are better.. weekends are dreadful. But life must go on.
i find myself pathetic. friends tell me to step away and leave.
and that is exactly what i will do.
but i’ve been staring at the phone, wishing that it will ring but i know will not.
So after one year of dodging and avoiding the bug, I finally caught it over black pepper. Did you know that I am highly allergic to black pepper? Funnily enough, I love my spice and chillies but when it comes to black pepper, my throat has no resistance to it and there you go – another round of sniffling, coughing and blowing… my nose.
What American Hot pizza with jalapeno peppers (it’s actually the chilli that we eat with wan tan mee in Malaysia) can do to me.. especially when the pizza base was practically painted with what seem to be my biggest enemy – black pepper.
Updates -
Luckily enough, I secured myself with a job, not an amazing one, not something that I would think I’d like to do but hey, it’s a job at the end of the day in this credit crunch and redundancy. Telemarketing – trainee sales executive. What they say – if you can do a sales job (inclusive of cold calling random people) you can definitely do anything. I don’t like it, but I think i’ll be good at it because of my personality. Afterall, the career progression is amazing within my company.
What’s next? well, perhaps my relationships? – interesting enough, at this point I gave myself a thought to go home for good but as everyone else expected, here I am – stayed, found a new job and extending my visa. I don’t know why I want to stay – for the job, for the man or for the comfort that i’ve had in England because I know going home, I am no where near being able to afford the luxury that I have now.
That’s reality, only if I can wake up tomorrow with a hundred thousand pounds in fact i’m not greedy, ten thousand pounds will suffice showered on my face and my body like a duvet keeping me warm.
But what are they chances hey?
The space I have seemed to restrict me from getting my much needed privacy. People always have their heads poking into your business and once they stop talking about you, they cannot stop and they go on and on and on.
I feel inadequate, that I do not have what I want – i’ve lost what I used to have. An understanding mother, a loving boyfriend and a job that I absolutely love.
I just want to shy away from life which I have had enough.
