A bedtime book

People fall out of love and people fall in love. Some are in love and yet they cannot be together but some are out of love and yet they are still together.

I am in love and yet I cannot be with a man I love. BUT somehow i have come to realise and understand the underlining statements – Sometimes loving a person does not necessary mean you have to be with that person.

For those months when I was single, I did not one bit had a crush or wanted anybody else. I did not one bit was looking whatsoever, I was just happy on my own and I had him in my mind. Few months down the line, the feelings were mutual – we were back on track.

We were ecstatic. We were happy, somehow the puzzle did not fit and we called it off. Now, two months down the line, we both are still lingering around each other like lost puppies.

Neil does not seem to understand the special connection between us. He does not know nor understand the reason he is still hung up over me. He blames it on me – I am not giving him adequate space but I know no matter how much space or time I give him he will still come back. It’s a fact – proven. 3 months break be it 1 year, I am certain he will come back.

The feeling for Neil is just very different – something that I have never felt with any other guy and I dare say that. It’s a feeling of love that grows on a constant basis. You don’t get bored, and you want more of it. You crave for it, and it hurts and yet you can wait because you KNOW and you JUST know that the future holds.

nothingness

sometimes i wonder what you are thinking.

sometimes i wonder what your next steps are.

mainly i wonder if this is actually what you want.

the myth and chronology

People exert themselves into relationships after relationships – one after another – not allowing themselves time to wallow and grief over the previous one and by the next time you see them they are in a new relationship – happy loving and probably moved in with their boyfriend already. It makes you think – was that love between her and the old flame? Is this guy a rebound?.. ah but many a times, girls boys, men women conduct this behaviour – deemed appropriate or not who are we to judge? it’s you yourself that you gotta live up to – not anyone else, your own conscience and guilt – your dignity and pride.

I lived a life of what just myself described as above – and then you get those gossips flying around town – and i sat and reminisced my teenage years at college – how many different men i saw each month sends shiver right back down my spine and freezes my head – i questioned myself how did i do that? Well, I did. I had loads of flings, kissed numerous people whom I don’t even remember their faces what more their names and it was fun at least from what i recalled – hey I was a teen coming out to explore and being wild was not even an option – it was a necessity!

And now, I am actually really pleased with myself that I think I have grown into a lady I have learnt to live, to be happy and most importantly I have learnt to love a man so fine it makes you think caviar is second grade. LOL

I enjoy my own space and time – I like talking on the phone daily and I like going on our dates – and most importantly i like not seeing him everyday.

The myth? — how did I live with a guy for two years in a room? how did I see him almost everyday and how do people do it now? All I know now is I doubt i can do this at all anymore. I love seeing him three times a week, i love ‘the getting ready whilst waiting for him so he doesn’t know what i wear’ and i love above all our respect to each other’s space and time.

grey smoke

As I sat here on my desk, I begin to realise the difference between the working environment here comparatively to back home. Every Friday feels like a proper Friday – we wear whatever we want – casual, comfortable, no stress, finish at half five, people rushing off for after-work Friday drinks, and hey hang on a second – where was this when I worked with EY?

I enjoy working – I enjoy earning my own money, I enjoy rooting off my own feet – i enjoy the independence, but above all, i love NOT burdening my parents and instead being able to afford the luxury that they once had provided me for.

I could see if I were to be at home now – working for a MNC earning a measley RM2,500 prior to tax i would never a chance live the life I am living now, daily shopping, living in a nice fancy apartment, scrumptious meals and 50 pairs of heels

….and yet i still feel something very much is missing.

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cookie dough

ben and jerry’s and M&M.

Probably my favourite two by far

And i’m high on happiness. I want this to last forever, four months of pure happiness and makes me worry what’s the next bad thing that might happen

I’d say one week had been a blast. More than enough

I got caught in between

Mark will be coming. Neil will be coming back from Vegas. It’s Han’s birthday and Mel has been calling.

Confused about Neil. Neil came to my apartment and banged right on the door when I was in Ibiza, when he was thoroughly drunk – waking the entire household up, scaring the wits out of them. Ah well. He left me too in limbo. Silly me!

And somehow, I am sometimes going through moments which I want I believe to be them ones whereby I sit and think and reminisce about my two year relationship with Han. LOL after 7 months of not thinking, and somehow, hoped that everything that happened one year ago is just all a dream – to be wiped off and start afresh and anew. to not lose my job and wished I was still doing my CA - But is that possible? I guess I’m missing the prestige more than anything.

I am now suddenly swamped with unnecessary relationship problem. LOL.

Let’s take a break and set free. Because I need a little breather.

How?

I wish i can tell people what I really want. and what i REALLY REALLY want.

I’m not running in circles i’m just confused – I don’t know where to go and what to do. Really.

Eighteen yet again

I feel like I’m reliving my teenage years again – in which I partied so hard and enjoying life so much!

Oxford was wild, fun and memorable. Being with friends make me happier than ever. I don’t feel like I have any responsibility towards anybody whatsoever. I’m enjoying life more than ever. =)

Seeing Azrin the other day make me realise what I want, to be with somebody I’m so comfortable with that knows me deep down inside – not necessarily somebody new or even somebody old, somebody perfect, but someone I am comfortable with. And no I am not even slightly interested to be back with him at all.

I have come to a stage where I’ve forgotten about Han and I. I don’t remember about Neil and I too. I’m just happy to be on own. Often, I am also worried that I might not find that somebody in my life anymore but really, it’s alright the door awaits

I’ll be off to Ibiza over the weekend =)