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What a dramatic day at work!!!… and just when I thought I was progressing well at my work, at a steady stream of doing well, I dipped right below zero degrees and another tiff between my manager and I. (again!)

Often I feel that she is breathing down my neck – wagging her damn tail in front of me. I mean I appreciate the fact that she is trying to help me but at the same time I cannot help but feel that she is picking on me. I took a 5 minute breather yesterday and she said “Why haven’t you picked the phone up? What have  you been doing for 5 minutes?”

Wow. Just when I got the grasp – I lost it all. I don’t want to come across as a girl with an attitude problem that has to be pulled to the boardroom every single month (Thank goodness it’s once a month at this rate!) – and I do want to tolerate and be resilient but I honestly find it hard especially when there was a hard feeling right at the start.

I just want to go home. I really do.

Protected: Written 10/01/2009 for N

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An excerpt

An excerpt from my reply…

“Neil and I are like that what we call comfort pillow – we can read each other pretty well, finish each other’s sentences before one or the other even started or say the same thing at the same time or order the same food or even know what we are thinking.. It is scary ok. It’s like Neil is so used to me pampering him, understanding his needs, how I make him happy or how I make him sad or even angry, how he likes his sandwiches, what juices he likes etc, what are his habits etc and same on how he knows me well. I guess you adapt to the other person whom you spend most of your time with. It’s only natural – not only with a guy but also your bestfriend or all good friends or even your dogs or your family… if someone spends all his/her time with you and in turn the person does not understand you – then that person is a twat.

We spent the one day weekend together AGAIN (correction: we spent the ENTIRE weekend together) when we are not supposed to.. but we had great fun. Lots of laughter, on street fighter on the xbox, on the wii.. food and chillout ness. I enjoy my relationship with him now – no commitments, i dont get deeply hurt and i know he loves me and vice versa. I worry sometimes that he might go out and kiss another girl, but if this is what i chose, i guess i have to live with it. and i do not get hurt – bcos at the end of the day, i am packing and leaving all behind right? whereas he has to deal with the fact that i will not be here. “

Just one of those days

A great weekend.

A great company.

A great dinner.

Yet, I need my desserts.

This is MY life

It took me a lot of courage and thinking to finally decide to go home for good – to leave the empire that i’ve built here LOL, to forego my comfort zone of spending and to tie my freedom back.

I’m neither here nor there in the UK. I have not achieved anything except resilience and bravery maybe determination – but no success, no career, that very little experience and nothing more.

I am still young and I haven’t seen the world. I haven’t travelled enough.

I am happy where I am now – single, free and have the money to do whatever

Protected: A Pensieve

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Posted 22/03/2008

friends always give you biased judgements on how you should fuck the guy off and how you should leave and let be and move on.

but only you yourself know how to deal with the whole problem. as i sat here typing this out, i am shaking in tears, my heart actually hurts. i hate break ups, and i forgot how it felt. May said the most beautiful thing of being broken is that you can piece it back together – but i am so tired of failing, i just want to forget move on and let it pass.

i wish i’m less human, that i am emotionless that i do not have any capability of crying.

this capacity of tearing is something that i never wished for.

Feelings

I finally had a weekend sort of to myself. Lovely weather, warm but I have nobody really to go and enjoy the sunshine with. Just me, myself and I. Sound pathetic don’t I?

I’ve been tested positive for H Pylori – which explains my ulceration. I’m on a week of antibiotics – pretty strong dosages Clarithomycin, Metronidazole and Omerprazole. I have also been advise to stay off alcohol for a month at least… and after heavy weekends and my lifestyle of drinking for a year and half – I am actually having withdrawals – dying for a cold cold glass of Rose Zinfandel or Grenache.

I am worrying bout something rather unnecessary and stupid. A relationship. I somehow have a feeling that Neil is my One. It is scaring me. I always had premonitions and this is one of them.I don’t think i will be able to find that one body or want to be with anyone at all. I am afraid to meet new people, afraid to get to know them and most importantly I am afraid to trust them.

This is scary. We both went in rounds with our relationship, and I know I am in his mind all the time and so is he. Maybe because the break up is so fresh. I really don’t know. Sigh

Protected: Last year

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Easter

I rattle on about life,  uncertainty, sadness and the list goes on.

So why don’t I take a time to a step back and think about what is good for me and where do I want to go from here?

I really want to travel big time. I really want to do some charity. I really want to use my money saved wisely – not on clothes, shoes and all the sparkly things. But I WANT to use my money to see the world and teach those unlucky ones and most importantly contribute to the society whilst I still can.

And yes, this decision didn’t come in a rash – but because I do not particularly enjoy my job and life is not all rosie here as well.

So I am really excited about backpacking, travelling and leaving my comfortable life behind.